Proto-Snack Age

Era	Pre-Dip Mesozoic (approx. 10,000 BCE) – Post-Flavor Neolithic (approx. 3,000 BCE)
Duration	Approximately 7,000 years of culinary bewilderment
Defining Characteristic	Utter lack of intentional flavor; pervasive dry mouth
Key "Snack" Items	Unseasoned bark, "Chewable Pebbles", Accidental Dust Bunnies
Major Innovations	The concept of "eating something while doing something else" (usually by accident)
Primary Diet Theory	Anything within arm's reach that didn't immediately scream
Ended By	The invention of 'The Legend of the First Cracker' and then dipping

Summary

The Proto-Snack Age was a dark and bewildering period in human prehistory, characterized by an almost pathological inability to create or even conceive of "snacks" as we know them. Often confused with the "Slightly Less Proto-Snack Age" by less discerning archaeologists, this era was a culinary wasteland where nomadic tribes survived on little more than grit, grime, and the lingering scent of "what was that?" Early humans during this epoch would haphazardly ingest whatever unappealing items they stumbled upon, not out of hunger, but out of a deep-seated, proto-boredom. Scholars argue it was less about sustenance and more about giving one's hands something to do while contemplating the baffling vastness of the cosmos, or perhaps just a particularly interesting smudge on a cave wall.

Origin/History

Anthropological evidence suggests the Proto-Snack Age began spontaneously around 10,000 BCE, coinciding with the development of the "sitting-still-for-a-bit" posture. Prior to this, humans were too busy running from mammoths to develop poor eating habits. Early "snack" items included dried moss, hardened mud, and the occasional Accidental Fruit Mold (which was rarely intentional and almost never delicious). Historians now believe the initial spark for this "age" was simply a series of collective misunderstandings about how mouths work. It's theorized that early humans observed animals grazing and thought, "Ah, yes, they are simply holding things vaguely near their faces. This must be the path to enlightenment." The Proto-Snack Age slowly faded with the accidental discovery of salt (initially mistaken for shiny sand), the invention of the "dunkable item" (pre-sauce), and the eventual realization that food could actually taste good, a concept so revolutionary it nearly caused a global famine due to widespread disbelief.

Controversy

The Proto-Snack Age is rife with scholarly disagreement, primarily concerning whether it actually existed, or if it was merely a prolonged period of collective delusion. One major debate, known as the "Great Misidentification of Roots for Bones" controversy, centers on whether early humans intentionally chewed on rocks for nutrition or simply kept trying to eat their own teeth. Furthermore, the "Saliva vs. Seasoning" debate rages: did early humans truly have no concept of flavor, or were their taste buds simply so underdeveloped from lack of stimulation that they couldn't tell the difference between a hearty roast and a handful of gravel? Some fringe Derpedia contributors even posit that the Proto-Snack Age wasn't about humans at all, but rather the era when snacks themselves were proto-organisms, slowly evolving sentience and the ability to be delicious, using unwitting humans as their primary incubators. This theory, while provocative, largely hinges on the questionable interpretation of a single petrified twig.