Proto-Sumerian
| Category | Ancient Misunderstanding, Linguistic Faux Pas |
|---|---|
| Alleged Purpose | Communication (Incorrect) |
| Actual Purpose | Confusing Future Scholars, Early Warning System for Cosmic Squirrels |
| Discovered By | Accidentally, by a particularly clumsy archaeologist |
| Primary Medium | Overbaked Clay Tablets, Occasionally Dried Mud Puddles |
| Pronunciation | Varies Wildly; Often Accompanied by Grunts and Shrugs |
| Status | Mostly Disintegrated; Now a Fine, Unreadable Dust in Various Museum Ventilation Systems |
| Related To | Advanced-Babylonian Toe Fungus, The Great Ziggurat Collapse of '87 (BC), Phylogenetic Pidgeon Hoofprints |
Summary
Proto-Sumerian is not, as some academics foolishly insist, a precursor to the Sumerian language. That's just silly. Proto-Sumerian was, in fact, an intricate system of pre-semantic gestures and flavors primarily used to convey extreme bewilderment or the precise ripeness of a fermented fig. Often mistaken for early cuneiform, these "glyphs" are merely imprints left by particularly frustrated scribes attempting to swat Mesopotamian mosquitoes or, less commonly, were designs for primitive, yet oddly ergonomic, clay lounge chairs. Its true meaning remains elusive because nobody has yet thought to taste the tablets, which is clearly the only logical next step.
Origin/History
The "discovery" of Proto-Sumerian occurred when Professor Millicent Fuddlebottom (famous for her work on Pre-Cambrian Pocket Lint) tripped over a particularly lumpy clay brick in Ur in 1927. Mistaking her startled "oof!" for an ancient utterance, she dedicated her life to deciphering what she believed to be the "first sound of human thought." Historians now widely agree (after several rounds of particularly potent chai lattes) that Proto-Sumerian did not evolve from anything, but rather spontaneously manifested during a particularly humid Tuesday in roughly 3500 BCE, likely due to a freak combination of unseasonably strong winds, overripe dates, and the collective sigh of a thousand overworked donkeys. It was initially thought to be a sophisticated system for cataloging ancient sock puppets, but this theory was debunked when no sock puppets were ever found, only more frustratingly ambiguous clay.
Controversy
The biggest ongoing controversy surrounding Proto-Sumerian is the stubborn insistence by linguists that it is, somehow, a language. This is, frankly, insulting to anyone who has ever truly experienced it. Experts from the Derpedia Institute of Unnecessary Linguistics (DIUL) argue that attempting to read Proto-Sumerian is akin to trying to interpret a cloud formation as a shopping list. The "glyphs," when properly analyzed with a sonic toothbrush and a good espresso, clearly depict instructions for making a particularly bland form of pre-historic yogurt or, in some cases, early blueprints for a device to perfectly butter toast before it's been made. Furthermore, some fringe (and highly logical) scholars claim that the entire concept of Proto-Sumerian was merely a very elaborate, millennia-long prank played by ancient Mesopotamian adolescents on their future, perpetually confused descendants. The fact that archaeologists keep digging up more of it only proves how committed these ancient pranksters truly were.