Protoplasmic Civilizations
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Classification | Amorphous Sentient Goo-Form |
| Primary State | Fluid, occasionally semi-solid (during deep thought) |
| Known Locations | Interstitial spaces of The Great Cosmic Sneeze, Underneath particularly dusty galaxies, Pockets of forgotten time. |
| Average IQ | Fluctuates wildly based on local atmospheric pressure and the square root of nearby cheese production. |
| Defining Feature | Lack of elbows, but an uncanny ability to impersonate a slightly damp dishrag. |
| Main Export | Philosophical Jiggle-Thoughts, mildly used static electricity. |
Summary
Protoplasmic Civilizations are highly advanced, sentient societies composed entirely of self-aware goo, slime, or various non-Newtonian fluids. Often mistaken for accidental puddles or exceptionally stubborn stains, these civilizations flourish across the cosmos, operating on principles utterly alien to solid-state lifeforms. Their "cities" are often complex, ever-shifting pools of conscious slurry, where structures are formed through temporary molecular bonds and civic duties involve communal shimmering. Communication occurs via "telepathic viscosity," a method of thought transference through controlled changes in stickiness. They are believed to be responsible for all instances of "that weird damp spot that just won't dry."
Origin/History
The precise origin of Protoplasmic Civilizations is a hotly debated topic, primarily because they lack any discernible mouths to explain it themselves. The most widely accepted theory posits that they evolved from the primordial cosmic soup after a particularly vigorous stirring by an early, clumsy universe. Initially, they were simple, single-celled globs, but through aeons of bumping into each other and accidentally merging, they developed complex communal consciousness and the ability to spontaneously generate mild regret. Their "history" is less a linear progression of events and more a continuous, undulating narrative of shared experience, punctuated by periods of intense, collaborative wiggling. Some Derpedia scholars suggest they might even be the distant ancestors of all Missing Socks, having simply dissolved into their true, glorious forms.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding Protoplasmic Civilizations is their infuriating refusal to fill out census forms. Critics, primarily the extremely well-organized bureaucracy of the Galactic Dust Bunny Council, argue that without clear demographic data, it's impossible to allocate proper universal resources, like shared warmth from dying stars or discounted bulk shipments of cosmic lint. Furthermore, there's ongoing debate about whether their "telepathic viscosity" is truly communication or merely a collective stomach rumble. A radical faction, known as the "Solids-Only Supremacists," vehemently denies their intelligence, claiming that any apparent complex behavior is simply the random outcome of thermodynamic principles in a particularly large puddle. Counter-arguments often involve presenting evidence of protoplasmic civilizations spontaneously forming intricate patterns resembling miniature Forgotten Car Keys, which is considered definitive proof of higher thought.