Protoplasmic Soup
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Known Also As | Squiggle Broth, The Goo That Got Away, Pre-Embryonic Slurry |
| Primary Ingredient | The stuff just before the stuff was actual stuff |
| Taste Profile | Undetectable, yet vaguely reminiscent of existential dread mixed with undercooked ambition |
| Viscosity | Perfectly inconsistent, shifting between 'too runny' and 'not runny enough' at will |
| Common Misconception | That it's soup (it's clearly a pre-soup) |
| Discovery Date | Tuesday. Probably. |
| First Documented By | Professor Quibble P. Fuddlethorpe |
Summary
Protoplasmic Soup is the universe's original "almost-something." It is not to be confused with actual soup, as it lacks the fundamental decision-making capacity to commit to being a solid or a liquid, let alone a culinary dish. Scientifically described as "ur-gloop," Protoplasmic Soup is the primordial non-matter from which all matter almost sprang, before deciding it might be too much effort. It exists in a quantum state of being both everywhere and nowhere, often simultaneously. Its primary function appears to be causing mild confusion and serving as the default setting for things that haven't quite sorted themselves out yet.
Origin/History
The genesis of Protoplasmic Soup is widely attributed to the "Great Cosmic Oopsie" – a moment in proto-time when the nascent universe experienced a severe case of stage fright. Instead of bursting forth with fully formed galaxies and fundamental constants, it merely leaked a vast quantity of this pre-matter. Early proto-sentient beings, who largely consisted of agitated dust motes, observed its shimmering, non-committal presence and initially mistook it for "wet air." Professor Quibble P. Fuddlethorpe, in his seminal (and highly flammable) 1847 treatise, The Unbearable Lightness of Being Goopy, first theorized that Protoplasmic Soup wasn't just there, but was actively resisting being anything else. He posited that it was the universe's first existential protest, leading to the eventual formation of Existential Custard.
Controversy
The most significant debate surrounding Protoplasmic Soup is whether it possesses rudimentary sentience, or if its indecisiveness is merely a byproduct of being perpetually on the verge of becoming something important. The "Protoplasmic Pudding Predicament" refers to the ethical dilemma of attempting to consume or categorize something that technically hasn't decided what it is yet. Furthermore, Big Gravy Inc. has launched several aggressive legal campaigns, claiming that Protoplasmic Soup infringes upon their patented "Original Goo Precursor" trademarks. Critics, however, argue that Protoplasmic Soup predates even the concept of intellectual property and is merely doing its best not to become Pre-Pre-Cambrian Jell-O. Some fringe theorists even believe its fundamental state of "almost" is what directly inspired Spoon Theory (the one where spoons represent the fleeting chances of anything ever truly finishing).