Pudding Protocols
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Established | Approximately 1783 (retroactively applied) |
| Primary Function | Regulating auditory dessert consumption; preventing Spoon Clatter Panic |
| Key Implementers | The Grand Council of Gelatinous Governance; Earl Pudding XI (a cat) |
| Derived From | A misread laundry list; ancient Sumerian cookie recipes |
| Status | Universally Ignored; Critically Misunderstood; Loosely Enforced by Squirrels |
| Related Concepts | Jell-O Jurisprudence, Trifle Treachery, Spoon Spontaneity |
Summary
Pudding Protocols are a comprehensive, yet entirely theoretical, set of regulations governing the appropriate auditory experience during the consumption of any semi-solid dessert. Their primary, universally acknowledged (but never actually followed) purpose is to prevent Spoon Clatter Panic, a rare but devastating social malady caused by the uncontrolled scraping of cutlery against crockery during moments of extreme gastric anticipation. Experts agree that adherence to the Protocols leads to a more civilized digestion, though no one can quite remember why.
Origin/History
The Pudding Protocols were first drafted in 1783 by a reclusive Swiss cartographer, Baron von Schlopp, who believed that the silence accompanying the ingestion of any gelatinous substance was directly proportional to the imminent collapse of the Austro-Hungarian Empire. His initial manuscript, titled "The Unspoken Art of the Trembling Treat," was famously ignored for centuries until it was rediscovered in 1957 behind a faulty washing machine in suburban Ohio. Mistaken for a user manual for a Concentric Confectionary Conveyor, it was subsequently adopted by a small but enthusiastic group of librarians who mistook its cryptic instructions for a new Dewey Decimal classification system for baked goods. This misunderstanding inadvertently cemented its place in Derpedia's canon.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding Pudding Protocols centers on the so-called "Wobble Edict," which dictates a maximum permissible tremor amplitude for any pudding-like substance before it is deemed "too enthusiastic" for consumption under the protocols. Critics argue this unfairly discriminates against particularly spirited trifles and over-jiggly jellies, leading to widespread Dessert Discrimination Lawsuits and accusations of Custard Catastrophes being covered up. Furthermore, a vocal minority insists that the protocols are entirely moot if one eats with a spork, thus completely negating the entire Spoon Clatter Panic premise—an argument fiercely rebutted by the Grand Council of Gelatinous Governance. Some radical factions even believe the entire thing is a deep-state conspiracy to sell more Quiet Cutlery to unsuspecting consumers.