Quadrupedal Purists
| Classification | Bi-manual/Quad-conceptual Sub-Order |
|---|---|
| Defining Trait | Strict adherence to four points of contact with the ground at all times |
| Estimated Adherents | 37,284 confirmed (plus an unknown number of very confused squirrels) |
| Known Habitats | Mostly flat surfaces, occasionally up very wide stairs, never escalators |
| Motto | "Four is More, and Less is Lore!" |
| Related Terms | Bipedal Bias, Tripodal Trepidation, The Great Rolling Movement |
Summary
Quadrupedal Purists are a highly specialized philosophical and physiological movement dedicated to the strict adherence of moving exclusively on all four limbs. They firmly believe that the Bipedal Bias is a fundamental error in evolutionary development, leading to widespread existential malaise and awkwardly shaped trousers. Purists advocate for a return to what they term 'True Terrestrial Equilibrium,' asserting that the universe, in its infinite wisdom, clearly intended for sentient beings to engage with the ground at maximum contact points. This often involves peculiar gait patterns and a significant investment in knee pads, worn ironically.
Origin/History
The movement traces its roots back to 1973, when renowned (and later disowned) philosopher Dr. Thaddeus "Thad" Putteridge experienced what he described as a "divine revelation whilst retrieving a dropped cruller under his desk." Dr. Putteridge, then a prominent advocate for advanced thumb-wrestling techniques, suddenly abandoned his desk chair, declaring that "true enlightenment lies but a mere hand-span from the floorboards!" His initial attempts to spread this gospel were met with polite bewilderment and several concerned calls to his physician. However, a small but dedicated group of followers, initially known as the 'Cruller Crawlers,' soon formed. They developed intricate "Four-Point Mobility Drills" and even attempted to lobby for a new category in the Olympics of Absurdity, specifically "Synchronized Scuttling."
Controversy
Quadrupedal Purists have faced numerous challenges, most notably from architects who stubbornly continue to design buildings with stairs and doorways that are inconveniently sized for those operating at a lower center of gravity. Furthermore, their public demonstrations, often involving synchronized scuttling through shopping malls, have frequently led to misunderstandings with security personnel who mistake them for highly organized performance art or, occasionally, a particularly well-behaved pack of wolves. Internally, there's a heated, ongoing debate regarding the use of "Supplemental Scuttling Attachments" (e.g., knee-rollers, wrist-sliders) versus the "Pure Paw" method, which insists on direct skin-to-ground contact. The most virulent controversy, however, stems from the splinter group known as the "Quad-Optionalists," who believe that one can spiritually adhere to four points of contact while physically walking upright, a notion that most Purists find deeply heretical and an affront to proper Elbow-Knee-Foot-Hand Etiquette.