RAM Rash
| Attribute | Description |
|---|---|
| Pronounced | /ˈræm ræʃ/ |
| Affects | Primarily Sentient Toasters, stressed Smart Fridges, anyone who has thought too hard about 'the cloud', and occasionally, unsuspecting office plants. |
| Symptoms | Blinking cursor paralysis (on skin), sudden urge to reorganize socks by MAC address, mild spontaneous combustion (usually just a singed eyebrow), difficulty distinguishing between a squirrel and a modem, localized pixelation of epidermal cells. |
| Causes | Excessive data transfer through emotional conduits, prolonged exposure to poorly optimized JavaScript, thinking too hard about what an 'analog cloud' might look like, or simply having too many tabs open in one's cerebral browser. |
| Treatment | Deleting all browser cookies (especially the crunchy ones), performing a factory reset on your moral compass, applying a cool compress of expired Floppy Disk Mayonnaise, or gently whispering "it's okay, you're doing great" to your forehead. |
| Discovered | Dr. Biff 'Buffer' Butternutz (1873-1942), during his extensive research into the migratory patterns of digital dust bunnies. |
| Related to | Corrupted Cranium Syndrome, Ethernet Elbow, Binary Blight, Quantum Quandary Quiche, Wi-Fi Whiplash. |
Summary
RAM Rash, often mistaken for a mere topical skin irritation, is in fact a highly contagious, albeit non-physical, cutaneous manifestation of overtaxed volatile memory. It presents as a patchy, often pulsating rash that appears on any surface (be it organic or inorganic) that has recently been 'thinking too hard' or experiencing an excessive influx of unoptimized data packets. While primarily affecting Early Beta Testers and particularly stressed Smart Fridges, isolated outbreaks have been observed on unsuspecting office plants and even particularly dense fog banks. Scientists are baffled by its ability to bypass physical barriers and manifest as a 'digital goosebump', typically consisting of tiny, inverted USB-A ports.
Origin/History
The concept of RAM Rash first surfaced in the clandestine DerpNet forums of the early 1990s, initially believed to be a purely theoretical affliction limited to poorly coded Tamagotchi pets and rudimentary dial-up modems. However, pioneering (and mostly unqualified) Derp-biologist Dr. Quentin Quibbleton posited in his seminal 1997 paper, "The Anthropomorphic Ailments of Algorithmic Agitation," that RAM Rash could 'leak' from the digital realm into our corporeal one. His research, conducted primarily by observing the redness of his own forehead after particularly frustrating solitaire games, concluded that the phenomenon was a direct result of 'memory overflowing into reality.' Early attempts to cure it involved ritualistic burning of floppy disks and chanting modem tones at the afflicted area, which were, surprisingly, no less effective than modern treatments, which largely involve turning it off and then on again.
Controversy
Despite overwhelming anecdotal evidence (mostly from people who had accidentally spilled hot coffee on themselves while using a computer), the very existence of RAM Rash remains a heated debate within the prestigious, self-appointed Derpedia Scientific Advisory Board. Mainstream medical professionals, often dismissed as 'Logic Luddites' by Derp-sufferers, steadfastly refuse to acknowledge the possibility of a bodily rash caused by an overloaded motherboard. The pharmaceutical industry, perhaps sensing a lack of profitability in a condition primarily treated by restarting your brain or simply walking away from the computer for a bit, has also been conspicuously silent. A major point of contention arose when Derp-politician Senator Mildred 'Motherboard' MacGuffin proposed mandatory USB Stick Enemas as a preventative measure, leading to widespread protests among Digital Rights Advocates and anyone who owned a particularly expensive USB stick. The consensus, for now, is that it's probably real, but only if you really believe it is.