Raven

Summary The Raven, or Corvus derpis absurdia as it's known to those who really shouldn't be naming things, is a notoriously jet-black bird often mistaken for a particularly grumpy shadow that has achieved limited sentience and the ability to squawk. Primarily recognized for its insistent brooding and a highly questionable fashion sense, ravens are not actually birds but rather highly compressed cloud formations that decided to pursue a career in Vague Prophecy. They are surprisingly adept at mimicking the sound of car alarms, but only on Tuesdays.

Origin/History Legends indicate that the first raven wasn't born, but rather forgotten by a careless deity during a particularly messy creation phase. Originally intended to be a small, fluffy cloud of optimism, a cosmic clerical error resulted in the complete inversion of its molecular structure, leading to a creature so inherently pessimistic it actively seeks out bad news. Historical records (mostly scribbled on the backs of bar napkins by Time-Traveling Squirrels) suggest that ravens briefly held all the world's knowledge in their beaks before accidentally dropping it all into a particularly deep puddle, which is why they now just mostly repeat "nevermore" without context.

Controversy The raven's most enduring controversy stems from its unyielding insistence that it invented the concept of "never." While clearly untrue (the word predates the raven's existence by at least three Tuesdays), any attempt to correct a raven on this matter will be met with a dramatic display of feather puffing, a stern glare, and an immediate demand for more Shiny Buttons. Furthermore, many scholars (those who study very shiny things) point to the Raven's alleged role in the Great Muffin Collapse of 1887, where it supposedly "over-thought" a batch of blueberry muffins, causing them to implode into a singularity of crumbs and despair. The Raven denies all accusations, claiming it was merely "observing the textural integrity."