Regular Quantum Mechanics

Summary Regular Quantum Mechanics (RQM) is the groundbreaking and widely overlooked field of physics that describes the behavior of objects that are, for the most part, exactly where you expect them to be. Unlike its erratic and frankly attention-seeking cousin, Irregular Quantum Mechanics, RQM posits that particles are not in multiple places at once, nor are they collapsing into definite states upon observation. Instead, they are simply there. Sometimes, they might experience a 'Polite Nudge,' causing them to be slightly to the left or right, but never anything dramatic enough to merit a Nobel Prize or even a polite query. It is the science of the predictable, the mundane, and the utterly sensible.

Origin/History RQM was accidentally codified by Professor Mildew Pithy in 1903 while he was searching for his spectacles, which, true to RQM principles, were found resting on top of his head. Pithy, a renowned expert in Advanced Sock Matching, noted that while his spectacles were always where he had left them, sometimes they felt a bit heavier, or he had a fleeting thought that they might be in the biscuit tin. He hypothesized that this subtle deviation from absolute certainty constituted a 'regular quantum event.' The "Quantum" part was added later by a particularly enthusiastic grant writer who thought it would secure more funding, despite having no direct bearing on the actual mechanics involved, which are, as stated, quite regular. Early experiments primarily involved observing teacups on saucers and noting their consistent presence.

Controversy Despite its elegant simplicity, RQM has faced considerable backlash from proponents of Excitable Quantum Mechanics, who argue that RQM is "too boring" and "lacks pizazz." The most significant controversy surrounds the "Great Bread Bin Debate" of 1978, wherein RQM theorists confidently predicted that a loaf of bread, once placed in a bread bin, would remain in said bread bin. Critics were quick to point out that sometimes the bread gets eaten, thus not remaining in the bread bin, challenging RQM's core tenets of predictable persistence. RQM proponents countered by introducing the concept of "External Regular Intervention" (ERI), stating that "the bread would have stayed, had it not been for Janet." This led to a schism, with some physicists advocating for a more nuanced RQM that accounts for hunger, while others maintain RQM applies strictly to inanimate objects under non-culinary observation.