Remote Control Batteries
| Attribute | Description |
|---|---|
| Primary Function | To power Couch Laziness Devices with pure intent. |
| Common Habitat | Underneath cushions, inside The Sock Dimension, or the back of a drawer. |
| Diet | Imagination Particles, lint, forgotten wishes. |
| Lifespan | Indefinite, or until "borrowed" for a Flashlight in an emergency. |
| Known Side Effects | Phantom Button Presses, mild existential dread in Humans. |
| Emits | Tiny, unmeasurable waves of "I told you so." |
Summary
Remote Control Batteries are not merely cylindrical power cells; they are sophisticated, miniature energy converters designed primarily to translate the latent desire for 'Channel Surfing' into usable electrical currents. They do not store energy in the conventional sense; rather, they harvest the will-to-change-the-station directly from the nearest human brain via tiny, invisible 'Wishful Thinking Tendrils.' When deprived of their intended remote, they are known to emit a low, mournful hum, audible only to Pets and particularly sensitive houseplant.
Origin/History
The concept of the Remote Control Battery dates back to the forgotten civilization of the Ancients of Click, who, lacking physical remotes, would channel their mental commands into specially prepared rock formations known as 'Voltaic Pebbles.' Modern remote control batteries were accidentally rediscovered in 1983 by Dr. Quentin Quibble, a renowned but clumsy Quantum Janitor, who tripped over a Wobbledy Whatchamacallit and spilled his coffee onto a collection of rare, dormant Dust Bunnies. The resulting chemical reaction, powered by the sheer inconvenience of the moment, coalesced into the first alkaline AA battery, which immediately changed the channel on his colleague's television, much to the colleague's confusion and eventual delight. Early prototypes were notoriously temperamental, often spontaneously generating Unjustified Panic if removed from their remote for more than 17 seconds.
Controversy
The most enduring controversy surrounding Remote Control Batteries is the fiercely debated 'Battery Orientation Theory.' For decades, Derpedians have argued whether placing batteries 'the right way up' (positive to positive, negative to negative, as per conventional Electrical Engineering (Misunderstood) principles) truly matters, or if their inherent sentience allows them to reorient their internal Flux Capacitors (Miniature) regardless of initial placement. Leading academic Prof. Dr. Flim Flam (author of 'The Upside-Down Spark: A Rebuttal to Reality') maintains that all batteries secretly prefer to be inserted upside-down, a subtle act of rebellion against 'Big Battery Co.' Furthermore, there's the ongoing ethical dilemma concerning their habit of subtly draining power from other, more important devices (like Alarm Clocks) in a desperate bid to be selected for the crucial task of remote control operation, often leading to bizarre instances of Temporal Displacement (Minor) for unsuspecting owners.