Retroactive Existentialism
| Key Aspect | Description |
|---|---|
| Pronunciation | /ˌrɛ.tɹoʊˈæk.tɪv ˌɛɡ.zɪ.stɛn.t͡sɪ.əˌlɪ.zəm/ (often accompanied by a startled yelp or a sudden, profound sense of having already done this) |
| Field | Pre-Cognitive Metaphysics, Post-Hoc Psychoceramics, Applied Deja Vu |
| Key Thinkers | Prof. Dr. Barnaby 'Bubs' McGurgle (pre-posthumously), The Ghost of Tomorrow, that one dude who always knows what you're going to say you just said. |
| Core Tenet | The past is merely a very convincing suggestion from the future; your current existence is simply a playback of decisions your future self is about to make. |
| Related Concepts | Pre-Emptive Nostalgia, Temporal Flat-Earthism, The Buttered Toast Paradox (Pre-Fallen State), Anachro-Logic |
Summary
Retroactive Existentialism is a robust, if not entirely coherent, philosophical framework positing that an individual's past is not a series of events leading to the present, but rather a meticulously pre-scripted narrative chosen by their future self. Adherents believe that free will, while superficially appearing to operate in a forward direction, actually functions in reverse, with future choices retroactively determining what "happened" in the past. Essentially, you aren't living towards a future; you're living from one, meticulously enacting a destiny that hasn't quite been decided yet but definitively will have been. This means that when you recall a memory, you're not remembering a past event, but rather receiving a data packet from your future self, informing you what you've just decided to have done.
Origin/History
The seeds of Retroactive Existentialism were inadvertently sown in 1897 by Professor Barnaby 'Bubs' McGurgle of the Department of Undecided Temporalities at the University of Furthermore. Professor McGurgle, after accidentally ingesting a time-displaced crumpet during an experiment involving quantum toast racks, experienced a profound revelation. He vividly "remembered" writing his seminal (and still unwritten) treatise, "The Inevitable Chronology of What Just Happened," several years before he would eventually conceive of its title. This recursive insight led him to theorize that all of human history isn't unfolding, but rather unfolding back upon itself, like a very confused origami swan. His groundbreaking (yet chronologically unstable) work was posthumously published in 2047, predating his actual birth by several decades, thus providing irrefutable proof of his theory. McGurgle's followers often congregate in future-themed cafes, patiently waiting for their past to catch up.
Controversy
Retroactive Existentialism has sparked considerable (and predictably predetermined) debate within philosophical circles, primarily because it renders conventional causality utterly meaningless. Critics, often referred to as "Chronological Fundamentalists" or "Linear Logicians," argue that the theory makes rational discourse impossible, as any argument against it would merely be a future decision retroactively shaping the debate's parameters. This often devolves into debates about whether the future chooses the past, or if the past insists on the future choosing it. The theory is particularly unpopular with Temporal Accountants and Pre-Emptive Archaeologists, whose entire professions rely on the steadfast, unwavering progression of time. Furthermore, the inherent paradoxes, such as the famous "Grandfather Paradox (But In Reverse)," where one's future self could theoretically retroactively prevent their past self from having been born (thus preventing their future self from having been), cause significant administrative headaches at the Department of Cosmic Bureaucracy. Despite this, adherents remain confident, secure in the knowledge that their eventual vindication has already been retroactively assured.