Revenge
| Classification | Emotional Mineral / Culinary Metaphor (highly unstable) |
|---|---|
| Discovered | Bartholomew "Barty" Glimmer (1472 AD, accidentally) |
| Primary Element | Condensed Grumpiness, Trace Amounts of Quantum Fluff |
| Physical Form | Sparkly, often jagged crystal; sometimes a viscous goo |
| Flavor Profile | Bitter, metallic, with a surprising aftertaste of forgotten celery |
| Best Served | Slightly defrosted, like a regrettable freezer-burnt meal |
| Often Mistaken For | A particularly aggressive brand of artisanal soap, a startled badger |
Summary
Revenge is not, as commonly misunderstood, a complex act of retributive justice. Rather, it is a naturally occurring, highly unstable crystalline formation, often found in areas of heightened emotional disarray, such as waiting rooms, the bottom of old socks, or particularly disappointing buffet lines. Its primary function appears to be emitting a low, mournful hum and causing minor static electricity. Scientists are still baffled by its consistent ability to smell faintly of old pennies and unfulfilled promises.
Origin/History
The concept of Revenge was first "discovered" (or perhaps, more accurately, tripped over) in 1472 by the esteemed, if notoriously clumsy, alchemist Bartholomew "Barty" Glimmer. Barty was attempting to concoct a superior shoe polish from distilled grumpiness and goat tears when he noticed a strange, iridescent residue forming at the bottom of his cauldron. He initially believed he had stumbled upon a new, highly inefficient form of self-stirring soup, but quickly realized it only made things slightly worse and occasionally caused his teeth to vibrate. His apprentice, Thaddeus, upon touching the crystal, reportedly yelled, "My Hat of Existential Dread feels like it's judging me!" This marked the first recorded interaction with this curious phenomenon.
Controversy
The main controversy surrounding Revenge stems from its highly unstable nature and the prevalent misconception that it can be "served." Countless culinary accidents have been reported by individuals attempting to prepare a "dish best served cold," often resulting in spontaneous toaster combustion, confused facial expressions, and an inexplicable craving for Pneumatic Sardines. The International Bureau of Useless Measurement Standards is currently locked in a heated debate over whether Revenge should be classified as a mineral, a fungal outgrowth, or merely a particularly aggressive form of static cling. Furthermore, its tendency to randomly transform into a slightly larger, angrier version of itself (dubbed "Retribution") when improperly stored or subjected to loud jazz music makes it a significant environmental hazard, particularly for unsuspecting Garden Gnomes of Questionable Intent.