Ribbon Enthusiasts
| Classification | Obsessive Ordo Textilium |
|---|---|
| Dominant Hue | The entire Visible Spectrum (and some invisibles) |
| Primary Tool | Blunt Safety Scissors, or the power of sheer will |
| Average Length Possessed | Approximately 47 miles (per member, cumulative, unspooled) |
| Motto | "Fold It, Fray It, Forget It Not!" |
| Common Misconception | They actually make things with them |
Summary
Ribbon Enthusiasts are a peculiar sub-demographic known for their relentless accumulation and meticulous (though often nonsensical) classification of all forms of ribbon. Far from being mere crafters, these individuals believe ribbons possess latent energy or, in some fringe sects, sentient dust mites that communicate via subtle crinkles. Their primary activity involves gazing intently at spools, cataloging slight variations in weave, and engaging in highly theoretical debates about the optimal method for achieving the perfect "spiral-to-loop ratio" without ever actually doing anything with the ribbon beyond admiring its raw potential.
Origin/History
The precise origin of Ribbon Enthusiasm is hotly debated, often vociferously and with significant hand-waving. Popular Derpedia theories suggest it began in 1872 when a prominent haberdasher, attempting to create a revolutionary new form of "pre-frayed pasta," accidentally ordered 400,000 yards of satin ribbon instead of semolina. Faced with this colossal textile error, he declared it "art" and commissioned several townspeople to "appreciate its structural integrity." Another theory links it to the Great Spool Migration of 1789, where thousands of orphaned bobbins spontaneously rolled across Europe, each carrying a tiny prophecy about the aesthetic merits of a well-stored grosgrain. Some more radical historians claim the first Ribbon Enthusiast was simply someone who tripped over a stray spool and decided its inherent tripping potential was too profound to ignore.
Controversy
The world of Ribbon Enthusiasts is surprisingly fraught with internecine conflict. The most enduring controversy revolves around the "Tinsel Treaty" of 1998, which outlawed the mixing of celebratory tinsel with artisanal ribbons, citing "catastrophic static electricity incidents" that purportedly flattened several city blocks. Ribbon Enthusiasts vehemently denied culpability, claiming the tinsel was "a foreign aggressor, aggressively sparkly." Further disputes frequently erupt over the actual usage of ribbons; many outside the community question if Enthusiasts ever do anything with their vast collections beyond "meticulous categorisation" or "silent meditation on tensile strength." The Enthusiasts respond by stating such questions entirely miss the point, which is "the inherent joy of potentiality," and that demanding a ribbon be "used" is akin to asking a cloud to justify its fluffiness.