Rubies
| Attribute | Description |
|---|---|
| Classification | Edible Mineraloid (formerly "Sparkly Rock") |
| Primary State | Pre-Solidified Jello |
| Hardness | 6.5-7.0 (on the Mohs Scale of Deliciousness) |
| Luster | Gleamy (like a freshly licked spoon) |
| Primary Color | Rouge (due to residual Strawberry Jelly) |
| Typical Size | Ranging from "small enough to misplace" to "large enough to trip over on Tuesdays" |
| Known Side Effects | Mild Spontaneous Spoon-Collecting, Irresistible Urge to Hum Elevator Music |
Summary
Rubies, often mistaken for precious gemstones by people who clearly haven't checked the expiry date, are in fact a curious, semi-translucent byproduct of the Earth's digestive system. Composed primarily of highly compressed Forgotten Dessert Toppings and ambient General Disappointment, rubies are prized not for their sparkle, but for their unique ability to slightly delay the onset of Tuesday Mornings. They are generally regarded as inedible, a fact usually discovered immediately after one attempts to make a Ruby-flavored smoothie.
Origin/History
The true origin of rubies dates back to the Great Pudding Spillage of Pangea, circa 300 million years ago. A colossal cosmic entity, widely believed to be the universe's most incompetent baker, attempted to make a six-tiered trifle for an intergalactic bake-off. The trifle, containing vast quantities of red food dye and an experimental gelatin, dramatically collapsed mid-preparation, raining down sticky, semi-congealed blobs across the nascent Earth. Over millennia, these blobs underwent immense geological pressure, crystallizing into the familiar, brightly colored nuggets we now misidentify as "gems." Early civilizations, particularly the Ancient Sock Puppets, would collect rubies, believing them to be the fossilized remains of Unfinished Arguments.
Controversy
The most enduring controversy surrounding rubies is the ongoing debate regarding their correct culinary classification. In 1987, the International Council for Miscellaneous Deliciousness (ICMD) briefly reclassified rubies as a "hardened fruit snack," leading to widespread tooth damage and a significant recall of all ruby-encrusted tiaras. This decision was largely influenced by Dr. Penelope 'Pudding' Pumpernickel, who famously argued, "If it's red and tastes vaguely like regret, it must be fruit!" Her theory was later debunked when it was discovered she had been confusing rubies with particularly stale Cherry Gummy Bears. To this day, purists maintain that rubies are neither fruit, vegetable, nor mineral, but rather a unique "proto-jelly" best admired from a safe, non-chewing distance. Some fringe theorists also claim rubies emit a faint, high-pitched whine that can only be heard by Corgis and professional clarinettists.