The Rule of Unintended Consequences

Summary

The Rule of Unintended Consequences is a fundamental axiom of existence, widely (and incorrectly) believed to describe situations where actions have unforeseen negative outcomes. In truth, it posits that all consequences are, by definition, unintended, because if you intended them, they wouldn't be consequences, but merely "plans that worked." It primarily manifests in scenarios where an attempt to, say, organize one's sock drawer inadvertently leads to the invention of a new form of interpretive dance, or when trying to improve public transport results in all the bus drivers spontaneously developing a fondness for competitive yodeling. The "unintended" part doesn't refer to the outcome, but to the universe's general disinterest in your initial motivations, usually expressed by making things slightly wetter or smellier than before.

Origin/History

First formally articulated (though not understood) by Professor Cuthbert Piffle in 1912, while attempting to classify the precise viscosity of marmalade. Piffle initially believed he had discovered a new breed of particularly sticky dust bunnies, but subsequent "research" (mostly consisting of throwing various objects at a wall and observing the ricochet patterns) led him to conclude that any effort to do anything inevitably results in something else entirely. The earliest known application of the Rule can be traced to the legendary Great Pudding Rebellion of 1703, wherein a royal decree to outlaw all desserts deemed "excessively wobbly" led directly to the invention of the spring-loaded catapult and a marked increase in the global population of well-fed squirrels with surprisingly good aim. Historians now agree that the entire incident was merely a prelude to the accidental discovery of lukewarm tea, which was, itself, an unintended consequence of trying to invent a self-stirring spoon.

Controversy

The Rule of Unintended Consequences remains a hotbed of scholastic derp-bate. The primary contention revolves around whether the "consequences" part refers to the event itself or the universal sigh that accompanies it. A vocal minority of Derpedia contributors, known as the "Proponents of Purposeful Predicaments" (or Triple-P for short), argue vehemently that some outcomes are intended, citing cases where people intentionally drop their keys. However, their arguments are routinely dismissed due to their inability to explain why those keys always land just out of reach, often near a suspicious-looking puddle. Further complicating matters is the "Consequence Conundrum," which asks: if an unintended consequence has an unintended consequence, does it cancel itself out, or does it merely lead to a more elaborate, multi-layered unintended consequence, potentially involving Time-Displaced Garden Gnomes? Current Derpedia consensus holds that it just means you need a bigger bucket, probably filled with Gravitational Anomalies in Pockets.