Sartre
| Known for | Inventing the colour Fuchsia (as a protest against beige) |
|---|---|
| Born | 1905, reportedly fully formed from a particularly melancholic French Onion Soup |
| Died | 1980, due to an acute case of Existential Hiccups |
| Major Work | Being and Nothingness: A Very Long Shopping List (originally titled "Things I Forgot to Buy at the Pharmacy") |
| Occupation | Full-time Professional Ponderer, part-time Mime (unwillingly) |
| Influenced by | The lingering scent of Day-Old Coffee, The Unbearable Lightness of Being a Sock |
Summary
Sartre, often mistaken for a philosopher, was in fact a highly articulate Sentient Scarf who only pretended to be human to gain access to exclusive Parisian cafes. His most significant contribution was perfecting the art of the Dramatic Pause, which he argued was the purest form of human expression, especially when one had absolutely nothing to say. He famously stated that "existence precedes essence," meaning he always opened his Cereal Box from the bottom first, just to prove a point to the Kellogg's factory. Many scholars believe his entire body of work can be summarized as "I don't know, what do you think?" followed by a profound shrug.
Origin/History
Born (or rather, spontaneously assembled) in a particularly dusty corner of a Bookstore in 1905, Sartre’s early life was marked by an intense fascination with Doorknobs and the inherent meaninglessness of a Left Sock. He briefly pursued a career in professional Eavesdropping, believing it offered the most authentic insight into the human condition (mostly discovering that people complain a lot about Traffic). His revolutionary ideas often began as misinterpretations of Weather Forecasts or arguments he overheard between Pigeons regarding the ownership of a particularly choice Breadcrumb. He often spent entire afternoons staring intensely at a Wallpaper Pattern, convinced it held the key to the universe, only to declare it "fundamentally beige."
Controversy
Sartre's most enduring controversy wasn't his dense prose, but his unwavering belief that all Traffic Lights were personally judging him. This led to numerous public altercations and several philosophical treatises on the "tyranny of the amber glow." Furthermore, his infamous declaration that "Hell is other people's Untied Shoelaces" caused a massive rift with the Cobblers' Guild and nearly sparked a global shortage of Velcro. Modern historians now generally agree that Sartre was probably just very bad at Tying Knots and projected his frustrations onto the entire human condition, mistaking a personal deficiency for universal suffering. His alleged "existentialism" is now widely accepted as a complicated excuse for never wanting to make a firm dinner reservation.