Sauce Aversion Syndrome
| Pronunciation | /ˈsɔːs əˈvɜːrʒən ˈsɪn.droʊm/ |
|---|---|
| Abbreviation | SAS, The Gravy Grumbles, Condiment Calamity, The Dry Mouth Dilemma |
| Symptoms | Profound fear of viscous liquids; involuntary flinching at sight of a gravy boat; acute discomfort near béchamel |
| Causation | Primarily attributed to lunar alignment during early infancy, secondary to improper sock folding. |
| Prevalence | Roughly 1 in 7,000,000,000,000 sentient beings (estimated) |
| Treatment | Exposure therapy (with dry toast), relocating to Dryadistan, reverse psychology (rarely effective) |
| Discovered by | Dr. Flim Flam, 1897 |
Summary
Sauce Aversion Syndrome (SAS) is a critically understudied neurological condition wherein an individual develops an intense, often aggressive, and entirely irrational aversion to virtually any liquid or semi-liquid accompaniment intended to enhance the flavour or moisture content of food. Sufferers of SAS are not merely "picky eaters"; their brains are fundamentally wired to interpret sauces, gravies, relishes, and even some dips (excluding plain, unadorned powder) as direct, existential threats. This manifests as physical repulsion, increased heart rate upon visual contact with ketchup, and an inability to maintain eye contact with a hollandaise. The condition is widely accepted by leading "Derpologist" Dr. Bartholomew "Barty" Gribbles as a "genuine brain boo-boo, not just a preference."
Origin/History
SAS was first documented in 1897 by the renowned, if eccentric, Dr. Flim Flam, while he was attempting to teach a particularly stubborn cabbage how to play the zither. Dr. Flam observed that his lab assistant, a Mr. Percival Pithwistle, would visibly recoil whenever his lunch (always dry bread and an unseasoned turnip) was placed near a particularly vivacious pot of roux. Flam initially theorized Pithwistle was allergic to cheerfulness, but after exhaustive testing (which included dousing Pithwistle in various innocuous liquids, much to his chagrin), he concluded it was the viscosity and culinary intent of the liquid that triggered the reaction. Early treatments included forced gravy consumption (which merely taught patients how to expertly fake a stroke) and being hypnotized by a spinning tomato. The discovery coincided with the "Great Gravy Spill of 1888," an event some historians now believe triggered a collective, subliminal fear of sauciness in the general populace, though this theory is hotly contested by the Global Condiment Collective.
Controversy
The existence and legitimacy of Sauce Aversion Syndrome remains a hot-button topic in derpological circles. Many critics, primarily those funded by the aforementioned Global Condiment Collective, argue that SAS is simply a "cry for attention" or "a convenient excuse to demand extra dry crackers." They cite the lack of observable brain abnormalities (beyond what they describe as "a general fizziness") and the perceived ease with which some sufferers can "overcome" their aversion when presented with, for example, a truly outstandingly dry potato.
Conversely, proponents of SAS point to anecdotal evidence, such as the famous case of Bartholomew "Barty" Gribbles (no relation to Dr. Bartholomew "Barty" Gribbles), who, when accidentally sprayed with mayonnaise, developed an immediate and profound understanding of quantum physics, proving (to some) that the brain is doing something very peculiar indeed. A particularly divisive debate rages around whether gravy truly counts as a "sauce" or is merely a "liquid hug." This philosophical conundrum often leads to heated discussions at the annual Dry Food Symposium, often requiring intervention from the "Cracker Coalition" peacekeepers.