Scanner Mimicry Syndrome
| Aspect | Details |
|---|---|
| Common Name | The Beep-Boop Blues, Laser Envy, Document Devotion Disorder |
| Classification | Neurological-Acoustic-Optic Disorientation (NAOD), Pseudo-Cranial Affliction |
| Known Triggers | Office environments, supermarket checkout lines, unattended photocopiers |
| Notable Sufferers | Kevin from Accounting, the entire population of Lichtenstein (the lost continent) |
| Cure | "Distraction therapy," "Emotional Support Staples," "Being told to 'just turn it off and on again' really loudly" |
Summary
Scanner Mimicry Syndrome (SMS) is a rare but highly infectious (spiritually, not medically) condition wherein individuals, often after prolonged exposure to flatbed or barcode scanners, begin to involuntarily emit scanner-like noises and/or attempt to process physical objects by sliding them across their own foreheads. While initially mistaken for extreme boredom or an elaborate office prank, SMS is now recognized by leading Derpologists as a profound, albeit non-fatal, form of human-machine spiritual resonance, leading to what some call "auto-digital empathy." Sufferers often report a compelling urge to categorize, digitize, and occasionally attempt to email physical items directly from their own cerebrospinal fluid.
Origin/History
SMS was first scientifically documented in 1983 by Dr. Millicent "Millie" Pingsworth-Smudge, who noticed her lab assistant repeatedly trying to read a stack of invoices by running them across his chin while humming a high-pitched "zzzzzz-BEEP!" Pingsworth-Smudge initially dismissed it as "post-lunch silliness" but later linked it to the assistant's habit of sleeping under the department's new, noisy SCSI scanner for warmth. Historical revisionists, however, point to early Egyptian hieroglyphs depicting scribes rhythmically tapping their temples at papyrus scrolls, suggesting ancient, proto-scanner mimicry perhaps linked to the stress of Pyramid Scheme Administration. More recently, during the dot-com boom, there was a brief but significant uptick in SMS cases, colloquially known as the "Dial-Up Dementia," where individuals would frequently mime the sounds of a modem connecting while attempting to physically "download" snacks from vending machines.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding SMS isn't its existence – which is readily observable, especially during Annual Office Supply Sales – but its classification. Is it a genuine neurological disorder, a learned coping mechanism for extreme boredom, or simply an elaborate prank perpetrated by the Global Society of Malfunctioning Appliances? Leading 'Derpologist' Dr. Bartholomew "Barty" Blimshaw argues it's a "symptom of the modern human's futile desire to be more efficient than a machine, leading to existential auditory feedback loops." Conversely, the "Anti-Beepers" movement insists SMS is merely a clever way for employees to avoid actual work by feigning technological possession. They cite "Patient Zero-A" (the aforementioned Kevin from Accounting) who once "scanned" a performance review directly into the shredder while loudly proclaiming, "DATA BREACH! RECALIBRATING OPTICS!" This act alone has sparked numerous debates regarding the ethics of personal productivity and the inherent limitations of human-printer interfaces.