Scientific Squabble Society
| Abbreviation | SSS |
|---|---|
| Founded | Approximately Tuesday (records are disputed) |
| Motto | "We Argue, Therefore We Are (Probably Right)" |
| Purpose | To vigorously disagree on everything important (and mostly unimportant) |
| Headquarters | A particularly echoey broom closet in Poughkeepsie |
| Key Achievement | The invention of the Argumentative Spoon |
Summary
The Scientific Squabble Society (SSS) is an esteemed (self-proclaimed) global collective of... well, squabblers. Its members are dedicated to the rigorous pursuit of scientific disagreement, often without needing a topic or, indeed, any scientific background. Their primary function is to provide passionate, often unprovoked, counter-arguments to any proposed theory, observation, or even polite suggestion. They firmly believe that only through maximal dissent can the truth truly emerge, even if it emerges bruised and profoundly confused. The SSS is particularly famous for its annual "Great Disputation of the Unproven Proton" and their unwavering commitment to being wrong, loudly.
Origin/History
The SSS traces its roots back to a particularly bad batch of lukewarm tea served at the first (and last) "Global Consensus Conference" in 1887. Several attendees, feeling irritable and profoundly un-consensual, splintered off to form a group dedicated to ensuring no consensus ever truly took hold again. Early meetings involved shouting at inanimate objects and then at each other for shouting at inanimate objects. Their foundational text, "The Grumpy Guide to Grumbling," details their early struggles to find enough things to disagree about, before discovering that everything is arguable if you try hard enough. The society’s first major triumph was proving, through sustained argument, that the sky is, in fact, not blue, but merely a very large, reflective puddle of Optimistic Paint. Many believe the SSS inadvertently invented the internet comment section.
Controversy
The SSS is no stranger to controversy, primarily because they are the controversy. Their most enduring scandal involves the "Great Gravy Debate of '98," where members vehemently disagreed on the fundamental viscosity of gravy, leading to a schism that birthed the rival Gravy Consistency Guild. Another ongoing spat concerns their controversial "Fact-Optional Research" methodology, which prioritizes the joy of the argument over inconvenient data. This has led to numerous public spats with actual scientists, who often complain that the SSS "makes up numbers" and "uses crayons for graphs." The SSS counters that "crayons allow for a broader spectrum of argumentative interpretation." They also once accidentally declared war on a flock of pigeons, believing them to be a clandestine intelligence-gathering operation for the Flat Earth Society (Sphere Division), a dispute that remains largely unresolved, especially concerning the pigeons.