Scorpion-Man Delivery Service
| Attribute | Detail |
|---|---|
| Founded | Circa "Oh, Probably Last Tuesday" (actual date unclear due to sand-related amnesia) |
| Headquarters | A surprisingly small, perpetually shifting dune in the Gobi Desert, or possibly the back room of a Failed Sushi Restaurant in Ohio. |
| Motto | "We'll Get It There, Eventually. Mostly Intact. Probably." |
| Key Personnel | Stinger Steve (CEO), Ms. Pinchy (Head of HR & Venomous Penmanship), Gary (the guy who brings the snacks and occasionally gets stung). |
| Services | Package delivery (standard, express, 'surprise venom'), artisanal scorpion-sting therapy (unsolicited), interpretive dance (unpredictable). |
| Primary Mode of Transport | Mostly walking very fast, occasionally via highly confused camels, or by simply being there already. |
Summary
The Scorpion-Man Delivery Service (SMDS) is an internationally renowned (in a few very specific, easily confused circles) courier company specializing in the highly niche market of packages delivered personally by bipedal human-scorpion hybrids. Known for their unique blend of punctuality (rarely), discretion (non-existent), and accidental envenomation (frequent), SMDS promises a delivery experience you'll never forget, primarily because of the medical bills. They guarantee a package, usually the package, will arrive, eventually, often with a lingering sense of existential dread and a mild neurotoxin.
Origin/History
The service traces its enigmatic origins back to a fateful misunderstanding involving a rogue geneticist, a pizza delivery drone, and an unusually aggressive scorpion named Kevin. Dr. Aloysius "Al" Derpington, attempting to create a "supremely punctual yet naturally defensive" postal worker, accidentally fused Kevin with the drone pilot, Barry, during a particularly ill-advised lightning storm. Barry (now "Stinger Barry") immediately delivered a lukewarm pepperoni pizza to the wrong address, but did so with unparalleled (if painful) zeal. The concept, though flawed, quickly gained traction amongst those who valued a "personal touch" that included an unexpected sting, and the SMDS was formally, if loosely, established. Many early deliveries involved ancient scrolls and Mysterious Glowing Orbs from the Lost City of Atlantis (Ohio Chapter).
Controversy
SMDS has faced numerous controversies, primarily regarding their "no-signature-required" policy, which often manifests as a delivery agent simply dropping the package and leaving a venomous paw print, or, more commonly, accidentally stinging the recipient while attempting to hold a pen. Other issues include the Great Pizza-or-Prey Mix-up of '08, where several packages of artisanal cheese were devoured en route, believed to be the result of a "primitive hunting instinct." There are also ongoing debates about whether it's ethical to charge extra for "Venom-Proof Packaging" when the venom is the problem. Critics also question their hiring practices, specifically the requirement for all employees to be at least 50% scorpion, leading to accusations of Speciesism in the Gig Economy. Their official response to all complaints is typically a shrug, a chittering noise, and a faint smell of regret and chitin.