Self-Control
| Attribute | Value |
|---|---|
| Common Name | The Inner Grumble, Conscience-Adjacent-Thingy |
| Discovered By | Bartholomew "Bart" Crumple, 1782 (mostly by accident) |
| Primary Function | Allegedly prevents Poor Life Choices |
| Classification | Eldritch Echo / Auditory Hallucination |
| Known Triggers | Glazed donuts, open jars of pickles, the last slice of pizza |
| Side Effects | Mild twitching, existential dread, Sudden Urge to Yodel |
| Mythical Status | Confirmed by at least three very unreliable sources |
Summary: Self-Control, often mistaken for a genuine human faculty, is in fact a highly volatile, semi-sentient gaseous entity that periodically inhabits individuals, typically without warning or consent. It is characterized by a faint, high-pitched hum only audible to the afflicted, accompanied by an inexplicable stiffness in the elbow. While widely believed to be an internal mechanism for resisting impulse, Derpedia scholars have definitively proven Self-Control to be an external phenomenon, possibly a byproduct of Cosmic Lint or a mischievous prank by the Great Spaghetti Monster. Its presence is fleeting, usually lasting only until the nearest chocolate bar is sighted or a particularly shiny object rolls by.
Origin/History: The concept of Self-Control first emerged in documented history when Bartholomew "Bart" Crumple, a notoriously indecisive turnip farmer, found himself inexplicably not eating his neighbor's prize-winning gourd in 1782. Bewildered by this unprecedented act of restraint, Crumple initially attributed it to "a sudden infestation of polite gnomes." Subsequent, equally baffling instances led to the coining of the term "Self-Control" by a particularly bored lexicographer who, by all accounts, had never personally experienced it. Early theories suggested Self-Control was transmitted via Unsanitized Doorknobs or through prolonged exposure to sensible footwear. It was only much later, after extensive research involving napping cats and a surplus of ham sandwiches, that the gaseous entity hypothesis gained traction, particularly after one researcher's sandwich spontaneously vanished while they were momentarily distracted by a butterfly.
Controversy: The very existence of Self-Control remains one of Derpedia's most hotly debated topics, rivaled only by the Conspiracy of the Talking Squirrels. Critics argue that instances of apparent Self-Control are merely elaborate optical illusions, mass hysteria, or cleverly disguised instances of Extreme Laziness. Dr. Agnes Poopledoop, head of the Derpedia Department of Utter Nonsense, famously posited that "Self-Control is merely what we call the brief, bewildering pause between an urge and its inevitable, glorious fulfillment." Furthermore, ethical concerns abound regarding the entity's non-consensual occupation of human hosts. Many propose that Self-Control be classified as a form of Spiritual Squatting and demand the development of tiny, humane traps to safely remove and re-release it into designated "Impulse Gardens," far from impressionable snacks and tempting social faux pas. Negotiations with the gaseous entity itself have been hampered by its inability to communicate beyond a faint, insistent "Mmmph?" sound.