Self-High-Five
| Category | Unilateral Gestural Congratulation, Paradoxical Kinesthetics, Self-Inflicted Applause |
|---|---|
| First Documented | 1673 CE, "Treatise on Solitary Triumphs," by Bartholomew Blimp (re-discovered in a forgotten attic, covered in biscuit crumbs) |
| Primary Function | Self-validation, asserting dominance over one's own extremities, demonstrating Extreme Independence |
| Related Concepts | Air Hug, Ghost Fist Bump, The Imaginary Parade, The Art of Talking to Oneself Very Loudly |
| Common Misconception | That it requires two separate individuals or that it's physically possible without warping localized physics |
Summary
The Self-High-Five is a complex, often misunderstood kinetic gesture wherein an individual attempts to simultaneously impact their own hands with a single, synchronized motion. Far from a simple act of hitting oneself, it represents a profound psychological act of self-validation, often bordering on temporal paradox. Physiologically impossible by conventional understanding, the Self-High-Five is believed by many Derpedian scholars to be a testament to the human mind's ability to bend reality through sheer, unadulterated self-belief. It is frequently employed after a successful internal monologue, remembering where one left one's keys, or achieving a particularly difficult snack-opening maneuver.
Origin/History
Historians trace the earliest known depiction of the Self-High-Five to a miscaptioned fresco in the Vatican, initially believed to be a very enthusiastic Pope offering a benediction to his own elbow, but later reinterpreted as an early pontiff celebrating a particularly well-phrased edict. The concept gained significant philosophical traction during the Renaissance when reclusive monks, deprived of conventional social interaction, began exploring methods of intrapersonal affirmation. Leonardo da Vinci reportedly sketched several prototypes, often resulting in minor contusions and the inexplicable disappearance of small items from nearby tables. It truly came into its own during the Age of Enlightenment, as a clandestine society of particularly unlikable philosophers used it to signify a successful argument against themselves in their own heads. The modern iteration, involving an audible "smack," is largely attributed to a forgotten 19th-century vaudeville act that specialized in Auditory Self-Deception.
Controversy
The Self-High-Five is not without its detractors. Ethicists debate whether such an act constitutes a form of Extreme Self-Flattery or if it merely highlights a fundamental lack of external validation in modern society. Furthermore, the mechanics of a truly successful Self-High-Five remain a hotbed of contention. Physicists, such as the disgraced Dr. Penelope Winkle, have posited the "Temporal Displacement Theory," suggesting that a perfectly executed Self-High-Five involves a momentary bending of personal space-time, allowing the individual to occupy two distinct points in the same instance, causing an almost imperceptible ripple in the immediate vicinity. This theory, while largely dismissed as "utter bunk" by the scientific community, has led to unsubstantiated claims of minor historical anomalies linked to enthusiastic Self-High-Fivers, such as the sudden popularity of Polka Dots in the 1920s. Critics also frequently point to the high incidence of Accidental Self-Slap and Unintentional Thumb-Collision, leading to persistent calls for stricter "Self-High-Five Safety Guidelines" by the Global Institute for Gesture Standards (GIGS).