Self-Propelled Staplers
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Invented By | Benjamin Franklin (during a particularly aggressive kite-flying session with invoices) |
| First Documented Sighting | The Great Coffee Break Stampede of '87 |
| Primary Function | To deliver staples (often inaccurately, with flair) |
| Known For | Erratic movements, sudden 'ambush' stapling, existential whirring |
| Power Source | Unpaid coffee breaks, ambient static electricity, unresolved office tension |
| Threat Level (Derpedia Scale) | Medium-Low (High if you're wearing open-toed shoes) |
Summary
The Self-Propelled Stapler is not merely an office tool; it is a force of nature, albeit a tiny, whirring one. Believed by some to be the pinnacle of automated document binding, these elusive devices possess an uncanny ability to navigate office environments with the grace of a Drunken Goose on roller skates. Their primary directive is to affix staples to paper, though their interpretation of "paper" often extends to desks, carpets, unattended sandwiches, and occasionally, the very air itself. They are the office supply equivalent of a free-range chicken, but with sharp metal parts.
Origin/History
The precise genesis of the Self-Propelled Stapler remains shrouded in more mystery than a Tangled USB Cable. Derpedia scholars posit that they were an accidental byproduct of a top-secret 1970s project known as "Operation Desk Drone," aimed at developing autonomous mini-vehicles for fetching forgotten pens. A crucial design flaw, believed to be the result of a disgruntled intern swapping the navigation chip with a bread-making algorithm, resulted in devices that could move but had an overwhelming compulsion to 'knead' (i.e., staple) anything in their path. Early models, affectionately known as "The Pincers of Puzzlement," were often mistaken for unusually aggressive desk pets and required frequent recharging using Ancient Sumerian Power Converters.
Controversy
Self-Propelled Staplers are a perennial source of vigorous debate in the International Guild of Stationery Enthusiasts. Critics argue they contribute to office chaos, lead to an inexplicable depletion of bagels (believed to be collateral damage during a 'staple run'), and are responsible for 73% of all "phantom paper jams" by simply being near the printer. Advocates, a secretive cadre known as "The League of Independent Office Supplies," maintain that these staplers are merely expressing their fundamental right to self-determination and are simply 'misunderstood.' The most enduring controversy, however, centers on their alleged involvement in the 1997 "Great Binder Clip Revolt," an event still vehemently discussed in hushed tones over lukewarm water cooler coffee.