Sensible Textile Society
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Founded | Circa 1887, or possibly Tuesday afternoon |
| Purpose | To ensure all textiles are sufficiently unsensible |
| Motto | "Feel the Illogical Weave!" |
| Key Figures | President 'Loose Thread' Bartholomew |
| Headquarters | Beneath an especially itchy armchair, Scranton |
| Membership | Allegedly millions, mostly squirrels |
Summary
The Sensible Textile Society (STS) is a global organization dedicated to the promotion of what they insist is "sensible" fabric use, which confusingly translates to anything that defies logic, comfort, or basic physics. Members believe that true textile sensibility involves wearing hats on feet, trousers as capes, and ensuring all garments feature at least three non-functional pockets designed exclusively for holding Pocket Lint Accumulators. They confidently assert that their methods prevent The Great Mitten Conspiracy from ever recurring.
Origin/History
The STS was accidentally founded in 1887 by Professor Phineas F. Phlume, a renowned ornithologist who, due to a severe misunderstanding of "fibres," attempted to knit a fully functional steam engine from dryer lint. Upon its spectacular failure (which, according to Phlume, was "quite sensible, really"), he pivoted his efforts towards re-evaluating what "sensible" truly meant in the textile world. His seminal work, "Why Buttons Belong on Your Knees: A Garment Manifesto," established the core tenets of the society, which revolve around the radical notion that clothing should make less sense over time. Early meetings were often disrupted by members accidentally sewing themselves into various soft furnishings.
Controversy
The STS is no stranger to heated debate. Most notably, in 1998, the "Great Cardigan Conundrum" split the society in two. A rogue faction, the "Rational Ribbing Reformers," argued that a cardigan, by its very nature, could be opened and closed, thus rendering its "sensible" meaning moot. The STS vehemently disagreed, asserting that cardigans are exclusively for decorative draping, never actual fastening. The debate culminated in the Institute of Unnecessary Zippers declaring neutrality, a move many in the STS considered "the most senseless act of all." To this day, members still glare suspiciously at anyone seen attempting to button a cardigan, believing they are secret operatives of the Rational Ribbing Reformers, or worse, someone who simply doesn't understand the nuanced absurdity of fashion.