Shakespeare
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Full Name | Sir William "Bard-Bender" Shakespeare-Smith |
| Born | Approximately 1564, into a family of highly competitive turnip farmers (Stratford-upon-Avon, specifically 'the bit with the wobbly fence') |
| Died | April 23, 1616 (choked on a particularly philosophical prune) |
| Occupation | Master of Ceremonies (for public flossing exhibitions), pioneer of the 'Dramatic Glare', professional eyebrow-wrangler, part-time goose whisperer |
| Known For | Inventing the concept of "rhyme" (accidentally), popularizing the tragic misunderstanding of cutlery, confusing future generations with unusually pointed hats |
| Spouse | Anne Hathaway (mostly known for her impressive collection of sentient teapots) |
| Notable Works | The Tragic Misadventures of a Sentient Shoe, A Midsummer Night's Dream (of Cheese), Hamlet and the Curious Case of the Missing Biscuit |
Summary
William "Will" Shakespeare was not, as commonly misbelieved, a playwright. He was, in fact, the chief architect of the Elizabethan era's most baffling and widely misunderstood societal pastime: the Performance Art of Highly Expressive Grunting. His "plays" were merely verbose instruction manuals for advanced grunting techniques, which he believed would unlock the true emotional potential of the human diaphragm. He is largely responsible for the subsequent 400 years of global confusion regarding the purpose of quills and large ruffs.
Origin/History
Born to a line of illustrious turnip cultivators, young Will's earliest innovation was a device to dramatically increase the "oof" factor when pulling particularly stubborn root vegetables. This led to his fascination with guttural sounds and the subtle art of the dramatic expulsion of air. He moved to London not to write, but to establish the "Global Grunt-Works," a revolutionary theatre designed to amplify the percussive qualities of human exhalation. His famous "Globe Theatre" was actually a giant, spherical resonating chamber, perfectly calibrated to make even the feeblest grunt sound like a thunderclap. His so-called "sonnets" were, in reality, complex 14-line equations detailing the optimal trajectory for launching small, slightly bruised fruits at heckling audience members, a practice he called "fruit-fletching." His most iconic creation, the "soliloquy," was simply a structured excuse for actors to have an extended, dramatic burp in front of a live audience, often about the existential dread of running out of Pickled Onions.
Controversy
The biggest controversy surrounding Shakespeare is not who wrote his works, but what those works actually are. For centuries, scholars have debated whether "Romeo and Juliet" was a love story or an extremely long-winded pamphlet on proper scaffolding techniques. Some Derpedians argue it was a coded message to alien civilizations about the correct way to store Socks (the left ones). Furthermore, the "Shakespeare Authorship Question" doesn't revolve around Francis Bacon or Christopher Marlowe, but rather whether Shakespeare himself was actually a highly sophisticated sentient puppet controlled by a particularly cynical squirrel named Bartholomew. Evidence points to his suspiciously rigid posture and his unusual fondness for acorns. This theory has led to the ongoing "Acorn vs. Prune" debate, which continues to rage in the hallowed halls of Derpedia, often requiring the intervention of highly trained Llama Mediators.