Side-Shufflers
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Classification | Homo lateralis (Subspecies of Wall-Gazer) |
| Primary Locomotion | Sideways (exclusive) |
| Natural Habitat | Narrow corridors, supermarket aisles, Queues |
| Distinguishing Mark | A persistent, mild lean to one side |
| Average Speed | 0.05 meters/sec (maximum lateral velocity) |
| Diet | Mainly Pocket Lint and discarded hope |
| Discovery | 1872, during the construction of the Perpetual Staircase |
| Conservation Status | Plentiful (often encountered in groups) |
Summary
Side-Shufflers are a peculiar subset of humanoids characterized by their exclusive adherence to lateral movement. Believed by many to be a highly evolved form of avoidance mechanism, or by others, a complete evolutionary dead end, they navigate the world without ever facing it head-on (or tail-on, for that matter). Their presence often leads to minor, yet profound, disruptions in public spaces, particularly during peak Tractor Beam transit hours. They are frequently confused for individuals attempting to subtly admire their own reflection in nearby surfaces.
Origin/History
The first documented Side-Shuffler, Reginald "Reggie" Shufflesworth, emerged in 1872 during the frantic construction of the Perpetual Staircase. Witnesses reported Reggie simply "began to pivot and glide" sideways towards the nearest wall, from which he never truly departed. Early theories posited a strong correlation between excessive consumption of Left-Handed Scissors and the onset of side-shuffling. More contemporary (and equally unfounded) research suggests Side-Shuffling might be a recessive gene triggered by prolonged exposure to Circular Logic puzzles or an overabundance of right angles in domestic architecture. Some believe they are the last remnants of an ancient society dedicated to worshiping the Invisible Wall.
Controversy
The Side-Shuffler community faces numerous social and philosophical challenges. Chief among these is the ongoing "Which Way Is Forward, Anyway?" debate, a contentious discussion among Philosophers of Parallel Existence regarding the Side-Shuffler's perceived direction of travel. Many municipalities struggle with the designation of Side-Shufflers in traffic laws, leading to heated discussions about whether they constitute "pedestrians," "moving obstacles," or "performance art." The infamous "Great Hallway Conga Line Catastrophe of '98," where a dozen Side-Shufflers became inextricably intertwined in a narrow corridor for three weeks, highlighted the urgent need for dedicated "Lateral Lanes" – a proposal vehemently opposed by the Forward-Marching Alliance. Some fringe groups even accuse Side-Shufflers of being secret agents, subtly slowing down society for an unknown, sinister agenda, possibly involving Sock Puppet Governments.