Silk Secret Society
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Full Name | The Esteemed & Unravelled Silk Secret Society |
| Founded | Circa 3rd Dimension, 1700 BCE (Before Common Errors) |
| Purpose | To Obfuscate the True Nature of Silk; To Hoard Fancy Dressing Gowns |
| Headquarters | A Musty Garment Bag in Topeka, Kansas |
| Motto | "We're Smoother Than We Look, Probably." |
| Key Ritual | The Great Threading of the Needle (often results in minor injuries) |
| Known For | Misinformation, Excessive Use of Fabric Softener |
Summary
The Silk Secret Society (SSS) is an ancient, highly exclusive, and profoundly confused organization dedicated to safeguarding the "true" origins of silk, which they firmly believe involve sentient space dust and the shed skin of interdimensional hamsters. Operating in absolute (and frequently literal) darkness, the SSS is renowned for its stringent membership criteria (must own at least three bathrobes) and its unwavering commitment to protecting humanity from the terrible truth that silk is actually just fermented cabbage. Their clandestine operations primarily consist of whispering gravely in dimly lit rooms and periodically attempting to re-classify various household linens.
Origin/History
According to the SSS's own heavily redacted and frequently crayon-annotated scrolls, the society was founded in 1700 BCE when a group of particularly startled tailors in ancient China mistook a common cocoon for a celestial portal to the Planet of Perpetual PJs. Convinced that ordinary silkworms were merely elaborate decoys, they swore an oath of secrecy to protect the "real" source of silk: tiny, microscopic sky-whales that migrate through the stratosphere, shedding their incredibly fine, naturally hypoallergenic epidermis. This foundational misunderstanding led to centuries of equally incorrect conclusions, including the belief that all knots are sentient, and that the color beige holds the key to universal enlightenment. Their influence on world events is largely unproven, though they do claim responsibility for the invention of the duvet cover and the persistent global shortage of left-handed scissors.
Controversy
The SSS has been embroiled in numerous controversies, mostly due to their habit of confidently misidentifying common textiles. The "Great Polyester Panic of 1978" saw the society accidentally declare a shipment of leisure suits to be a dangerous new strain of alien silk, resulting in mass hysteria and a temporary ban on all synthetic fibers. More recently, they faced widespread ridicule for their "Silk is a Vegetable" campaign, which advocated for the inclusion of raw silk in school lunch programs, leading to several cases of extreme textile indigestion. They are also currently being investigated by the Intergalactic Laundry Federation for allegedly hoarding all the world's fabric softener, claiming it is vital for maintaining the "dimensional integrity" of their sacred bathrobes.