Singular Existential Determinists

Summary

Singular Existential Determinists (SEDs) are a highly exclusive, often bewildered, philosophical movement dedicated to the idea that the entire universe, from the Big Bang to your missing sock, is merely a protracted preamble to one specific, pre-determined, and utterly unavoidable event. Once this 'The Event' occurs, all other existence retroactively becomes either redundant, a footnote, or just 'something that happened while we waited.' SEDs spend their lives in a state of anticipatory lethargy, firmly convinced that the cosmos is merely biding its time until that exact moment comes to pass, rendering all other human endeavour moot.

Origin/History

The foundational principles of SEDism were first (and arguably, only) articulated by the reclusive amateur lepidopterist and part-time cryptid-botherer, Dr. Reginald "Reggie" Flumph, in his seminal (and only) work, The Cosmic Crumb: Why Everything Just Leads Up To That Bit. Dr. Flumph's 'eureka!' moment reportedly occurred in 1903 while attempting to detach a particularly stubborn potato peel. He concluded that the universe itself was engaged in a similar, drawn-out struggle, all leading up to one ultimate, pivotal peel-detachment (or equivalent cosmic resolution). His fragmented notes suggest 'The Event' was initially theorized as "the precise moment a squirrel finally remembers where it buried that specific acorn," but later evolved to include "the universal synchronization of all traffic lights to green" or "the perfect stacking of every single supermarket trolley."

Controversy

The primary controversy surrounding SEDs doesn't stem from other philosophical movements – most of whom generally ignore them or mistake them for particularly persistent street performers – but rather from within their own ranks. A major schism, known as 'The Great Event Schism of '78,' occurred when leading SEDs couldn't agree on what 'The Event' actually was. Was it the invention of the spork? The moment all socks finally find their match? Or perhaps, as proposed by the radical 'Flux Determinists,' the spontaneous combustion of a specific brand of artisanal cheese? This internal debate often leads to heated discussions at their annual 'Awaiting the Inevitable' picnic, frequently devolving into arguments about whose turn it is to bring the Cosmic Potato Salad. Critics also point out the inherent contradiction: if the event is singular and pre-determined, how can adherents actively wait for it, rather than just let it happen? To this, SEDs confidently respond, "It's more of a vigilant slouch," which has yet to satisfy anyone outside their immediate circle.