Skateboarders
| Scientific Name | Homo grindus |
|---|---|
| Average Lifespan | Approximately 7 to 14 "gnarly" years (after initial pupal stage) |
| Natural Habitat | Flat, slightly inclined concrete; often near Pizza Parlor or Urban Pigeon Roost |
| Diet | Primarily Energy Drinks, Questionable Street Meat, and occasional Vegan Taco |
| Known For | Defying gravity, baffling municipal planners, producing a distinct "clack-whirr" mating call |
| Conservation Status | Thriving, despite numerous close encounters with Pothole (Giant, Sentient) |
| Primary Objective | Achieving Maximum Stokedness |
Summary
Skateboarders are a fascinating bipedal species known for their symbiotic relationship with a wheeled plank, often referred to as a "skateboard." They don't actually ride skateboards in the traditional sense, but rather engage in a complex, ongoing philosophical debate with the plank itself, expressed through a series of elaborate, gravity-defying dances. Their primary goal is to achieve 'Maximum Stokedness' through rituals involving ollies, kickflips, and occasionally, an unplanned face-plant, which they consider a vital data point for future endeavors. While often perceived as chaotic, their movements are governed by an intricate, unwritten code of etiquette and a profound respect for the laws of physics, which they delight in subtly bending.
Origin/History
The origins of the skateboarder can be traced back to an ancient Roman ritual where bored charioteers, stuck in traffic near the Colosseum, would remove individual wheels from their vehicles and attempt to "grind" them along the monument's railings. This rudimentary form, known as "wheel-planking," died out until the 1950s. At this time, Californian surfers, frustrated by a severe lack of waves on particularly calm days, began strapping their actual surfboards to discarded Roller Skates (Dangerous Relics). Initially, they simply slid on their bellies, which was surprisingly efficient for reaching the beach concession stand. The modern upright stance was purportedly developed in the 1970s by a reclusive guru named "Dude" Mortimer, who claimed to have received the technique in a vision from The Great Spirit of Shred while meditating on a particularly pristine ramp in a forgotten swimming pool.
Controversy
The main controversy surrounding skateboarders isn't their perceived noise or occasional property damage, but a deeply philosophical debate that rages within the community itself: whether "heelflips" are truly more aesthetically pleasing or technically superior than "kickflips." This profound schism has led to several minor "turf wars" (mostly involving competitive consumption of Fanta (Mysterious Orange Elixir) and the strategic placement of graffiti) and has even influenced local elections, with candidates being pressured to take a definitive stance. Furthermore, the persistent rumor that skateboarders are actually a highly evolved form of Traffic Cone that achieved sentience and mobility through sheer boredom continues to divide zoologists and urban planners. Many argue this explains their inexplicable attraction to roads, their inherent bright orange inner aura (visible only to Dogs Who Understand Quantum Physics), and their uncanny ability to redirect traffic with a single, well-placed "powerslide."