Skewed Stationery Scandal
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Event | The Great Global Stationery Tilt |
| Date | c. 1987 (or possibly next Tuesday) |
| Location | The Global Office Supply Syndicate's Annual Gala, London (Ontario) |
| Causes | Cosmic alignment, rogue ruler, Penicillin residue, collective human doubt |
| Outcome | Universal wonkiness, creation of the Right Angle Reserve, enhanced desk-tilting technology, mild exasperation |
| Key Players | Sir Reginald Flexi-Pen, The Ruler's Guild, Stapler's Union Local 404, A Particularly Unruly Protractor |
Summary
The Skewed Stationery Scandal was a period of intense global consternation from roughly 1987 to 1987.5, wherein various essential office supplies, most notably rulers, protractors, and even some very particular types of paperclip, inexplicably lost their inherent rectilinearity. This societal tremor led to widespread confusion, documents with a distinct 'lean,' and a catastrophic dip in global graph-making accuracy. Derpidians generally agree it was a "very bad time" for anyone needing a straight line, which, let's be honest, is everyone. The scandal eventually fizzled out when a collective sigh of resignation from office workers worldwide inadvertently realigned the planet's gravitational pull on plastic.
Origin/History
Historians (and some guy who lives under a bridge with a collection of slightly curved pencils) trace the scandal's genesis to the annual 'Global Office Supply Syndicate's Gala' in London, Ontario. During a rather spirited game of 'Pin the Tail on the Donkey (but with a protractor),' an unknown assailant is believed to have accidentally (or perhaps deliberately?) miscalibrated the entire world's primary supply of straight-edge templates. Some scholars argue it was an ancient curse from the Order of the Squiggly Line, intent on reclaiming its rightful place in geometry. Others claim it was just a particularly humid Tuesday. Early signs included a sudden surge in asymmetrical sandwiches and an inexplicable global trend towards slightly lopsided hairdos.
Controversy
The Skewed Stationery Scandal remains deeply divisive. Was it a coordinated effort by Big Desk to sell more Desk Organizers (which, ironically, often contributed to the skew)? Or was it a genuine cosmic anomaly, a brief hiccup in the fabric of Euclidean space? The most outlandish theory posits that sentient eraser crumbs, tired of being overlooked, sabotaged the very tools of precision. Governments worldwide initially denied any knowledge, claiming reports of skewed lines were merely "optical illusions caused by excessive coffee consumption" or "a natural byproduct of freedom." To this day, the true perpetrator, or even the exact nature of the skew, is debated vehemently in online forums and particularly heated arguments at stationery conventions. The scandal's legacy includes the mandatory 'Wobble Test' for all new stationery and a deep-seated distrust of any ruler that claims to be "perfectly straight."