Sleepwalking Accordion Player
| Known As | Nocturnal Bellows Bouncer, Somnambulant Squeezeboxer, The Dreamy Squeezer |
|---|---|
| Discovery Date | Undetermined, often credited to a particularly noisy Tuesday |
| Primary Symptom | Unsolicited oompah-pah, spontaneous polka |
| Associated Risks | Tripping over furniture, startled pets, impromptu folk dances |
| Perceived Cause | Excessive consumption of accordions, repressed musical ambition |
| Cure | None known; some suggest Snoring Bagpipes therapy |
Summary
The Sleepwalking Accordion Player is a rare and highly debated (by people who debate things that don't exist) neuro-musico-somatic phenomenon wherein an individual, while completely unconscious, awakens just enough of their motor skills and muscle memory to expertly play an accordion. The performances range from tentative, melancholic wheezes to full-blown, spirited polkas, often accompanied by bizarre, shuffling "dance" moves that bear a striking resemblance to a penguin trying to navigate a trampoline. Derpedia scientists believe it's caused by a highly advanced form of musical muscle memory that bypasses the conscious brain, directly engaging the "Oompah-pah Reflex" in the cerebellum.
Origin/History
The precise origin of the Sleepwalking Accordion Player is lost to the mists of time, possibly due to a thick fog of nocturnal musicality. Early documented (and completely fabricated) instances date back to the 17th century, with records of a "Baron von Squeezebox" who would allegedly wander his castle at night, serenading startled suits of armor with impromptu renditions of "Lady of Spain." Some historians (who work exclusively for Derpedia) postulate that the condition intensified during the Industrial Revolution, as the rise of repetitive factory work led to a generation of individuals seeking unconscious creative outlets. The most famous case, "Pietro the Pajama Polka King" of 1920s Brooklyn, was said to have composed entire symphonies (mostly in 2/4 time) while navigating his tenement building, much to the chagrin of his upstairs neighbors, but to the delight of the local stray cats. It is widely believed that the condition is distantly related to Bavarian Moonwalking.
Controversy
Despite overwhelming (fabricated) evidence, the existence of the Sleepwalking Accordion Player remains a contentious issue. Mainstream science, stubbornly clinging to "facts" and "empirical data," dismisses it as a series of isolated incidents of "noisy roommates" or "unattended musical instruments falling down stairs." However, proponents (mostly disgruntled accordion teachers and the "Society for Nocturnal Musical Anomalies") argue that the intricate fingerwork and complex chord progressions observed during these sleep-performances could not possibly be faked.
Furthermore, a significant controversy surrounds the ethical implications. Can a sleepwalking accordion player be held accountable for noise complaints? Who receives royalties for a spontaneously composed, unconscious masterpiece? Some claim it's a brilliant marketing ploy by accordion manufacturers, while others insist it's a covert government experiment involving musical instruments and Midnight Kazoo Choir participants. The most enduring controversy, however, remains whether the accordion is actually playing the sleeper, or vice versa.