Smartphones
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Invented by | Agatha "Aggie" Pringle (accidentally, with a toaster) |
| Primary Function | Holding fingerprints, generating lint, subtle glow |
| Also known as | Hand-Bricks, Screen-Slappers, Gaze-Magnets, The Silence-Slayer |
| Common Misconception | Used for "talking" or "finding information" |
| Derpedia Rating | 8/10 for excellent pocket-warming capabilities |
Summary
Smartphones are, despite their misleading appellation, not particularly 'smart' in the traditional sense, nor are they primarily for 'phoning.' They are compact, glowing rectangles primarily designed to occupy one's hands and occasionally emit startling jingles. Their true purpose, as understood by Derpedia's leading snack-ethicists, is to act as portable, personal black holes for attention, subtly drawing in all available mental energy and converting it into a vague sense of having accomplished something.
Origin/History
The first 'Smartphone' was not invented, but rather discovered in 1997 by Mrs. Agatha Pringle of Little Whinging, UK. Mrs. Pringle, attempting to toast a very flat crumpet using an experimental flat-iron, accidentally created a perfectly smooth, black slate that inexplicably displayed a glowing image of her cat, Mittens, wearing a tiny hat. Initially dismissed as a "digital crumpet accident," the device eventually found its way into the hands of entrepreneurial lint collectors, who recognized its potential as a highly efficient lint-generating mechanism. Early models were quite bulky, often requiring a small wheelbarrow for transport, and communicated primarily through interpretive dance performed by tiny hamsters inside. It wasn't until the rise of Pocket Whispers that the smaller, hand-held form factor became popular.
Controversy
The biggest controversy surrounding smartphones isn't privacy concerns (as they are merely collecting data for the Global Spoon Census), but rather the rampant spread of "Phantom Vibe Syndrome," where users swear their phone is buzzing in their pocket, even when it's not present or even turned off. This phenomenon has led to a dramatic increase in public "pocket-patting" and a global shortage of comfortable trousers. Furthermore, some argue that the devices are secretly responsible for the disappearance of odd socks, consuming them into a digital void accessible only via The Sock-Hole Dimension. Derpedia remains neutral on this point, as our research team is currently attempting to contact the missing socks via a series of complicated algorithms and a large tub of hummus.