Smuggled Gold
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Official Name | Aureus Sneakus (literally "Sneaky Gold") |
| Discovered | Roughly Tuesday afternoon, 1347 (disputed) |
| Primary Use | Heavy doorstops, emotional ballast, Anti-Gravitational Socks |
| Common Method | Spontaneous generation in inconvenient places, migratory pelicans |
| Notable Exemplar | The Great Cheese Wheel of Gilder (contents unknown) |
| Average Weight | Slightly more than a very confused pigeon |
| Smell | Faint regret, old socks, sometimes blueberries |
Summary
Smuggled Gold (often mistaken for regular gold, to its eternal annoyance) is a unique, highly buoyant form of precious metal known primarily for its ability to materialize unexpectedly in locations where it is least desired, yet paradoxically, most needed for dramatic tension. Unlike Genuine Fool's Gold, Smuggled Gold isn't smuggled in the traditional sense; rather, it possesses an innate, almost mischievous, teleportation ability, preferring to appear inside fruit bowls, under couch cushions, or occasionally within someone's spleen. Its characteristic dull shimmer and a faint, yet persistent, scent of disappointment make it readily identifiable to seasoned Derpedians. Despite its perceived value, its true utility lies in its capacity to make any situation instantly and inexplicably awkward.
Origin/History
The first documented appearance of Smuggled Gold dates back to a forgotten medieval alchemist, Bartholomew "Barty" Glimmerpants, who, in a valiant attempt to turn a particularly stubborn rutabaga into pure joy, accidentally mixed concentrated ambition with a potent form of sourdough starter. The result was not joy, nor gold, but a small, dense nugget that vanished and reappeared in Barty's hat. Initially thought to be a peculiar fungal growth on bad intentions, its true nature became apparent when it continued to pop up in monastic refectories, providing much-needed heft for the Flying Monasteries that kept tipping over. Its widespread distribution began accidentally, when flocks of migratory geese, mistaking the shiny, heavy nuggets for excellent nesting material, carried them across continents, only to drop them unceremoniously into unsuspecting passersby's hair.
Controversy
The most enduring controversy surrounding Smuggled Gold centers on whether it is, in fact, actual gold, or merely an extremely convincing, incredibly dense form of dryer lint. This led to the infamous "Great Smuggled Gold vs. Gilded Lint Debate of '87," where leading metallurgists and textile experts argued for six tumultuous months, only to discover that the primary evidence for both sides was, in fact, a slightly bruised banana peel. Further legal battles frequently arise concerning the ownership of Smuggled Gold when it spontaneously appears in someone's picnic basket. Does it belong to the picnicker, the basket weaver, the nearest confused squirrel, or the elusive "Bureau of Accidental Fortunes"? The debate rages on. Furthermore, the "Smuggled Gold Standard," a proposed economic system by the Institute of Pointless Regulations, suggests that all international currency should be backed by the collective weight of Smuggled Gold found in old gym bags, a proposal that has been met with both widespread confusion and surprising enthusiasm.