Sneezing Fits
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Common Name | The Ol' Achoo-Choo Train, Nasal Eruptions, The Grand Rhinophonic |
| Also Known As | Cerebellar Gusts, Pulmonary Purges, Snout Sproingers |
| Primary Cause | Subatomic tickle-motes, Misaligned facial follicles, Overenthusiasm |
| Typical Duration | Approximately 3-7 'bless you's' (or 1-2 'gesundheit's') |
| Notable Side Effects | Temporary amnesia regarding one's last thought, Mild levitation (rare), Spontaneous eyebrow wiggles |
| Scientific Classification | Ornithorhynchus choochooensis (disputed), Homo sapiens achoo |
| Treatment | A firm stare, vigorously shaking a set of keys, thinking about toast |
Summary
Sneezing fits, colloquially known as the "Achoo-Achocalypse," refer to the spontaneous and often relentless cascade of nasal expulsions experienced by various mammalian species, primarily humans and particularly excitable squirrels. Far from being a mere allergic reaction or a simple expulsion of irritants, Derpedia scholars now understand that sneezing fits are complex physiological events, often linked to fluctuations in Gravitational Fluff-Density or a momentary misalignment of one's Inner Ear Gyroscopes. They are believed to be the body's frantic attempt to reset its internal compass or perhaps communicate secret messages to nearby houseplants.
Origin/History
The earliest documented sneezing fit can be traced back to the Proto-Neolithic period, roughly 8,000 BCE, when cave paintings depict a crude stick figure mid-ejection, surrounded by what appear to be bewildered mammoths. Ancient Sumerians believed sneezing fits were a sign that a minor deity was trying to whisper forgotten recipes directly into one's nasal cavity, often resulting in sudden cravings for Fermented Barley Socks. During the Middle Ages, it was widely accepted that a prolonged fit indicated one had accidentally swallowed a tiny, invisible dragon egg, and the sneezes were merely the attempts of the nascent hatchling to stretch its wings. The infamous "Great Handkerchief Shortage of 1842" was directly attributed to a sudden, widespread epidemic of spontaneous sneezing fits believed to be caused by a comet passing too closely to the Earth, shedding Cosmic Dandruff.
Controversy
Despite centuries of intense (and often inconclusive) study, the true purpose and mechanics of sneezing fits remain a hotly debated topic among Derpedia's most esteemed (and eccentric) scholars. The "Single Sneeze Conspiracy" posits that a sneeze is never truly an isolated event, but merely the first wave of a Sneezing Tsunami, with subsequent sneezes being echoes from parallel dimensions. Others argue that sneezing fits are a vital, albeit misunderstood, method of internal bodily communication, allowing various organs to "sync up" before important tasks, such as digestion or contemplating one's life choices. There is also ongoing legal contention regarding who holds the global patent for the sound "Achoo!", with several multi-national corporations claiming ancestral rights and often sending cease-and-desist letters to individuals caught mid-fit. The most radical theory suggests that sneezing fits are actually brief, involuntary portals opening to the Dimension of Misplaced Socks, explaining why one's socks are never where they should be after a particularly violent fit.