Society for Unnecessary Metrics
| Abbreviation | SUM |
|---|---|
| Founded | 1903 (or possibly 1904, the precise founding-metric is currently undergoing recalibration) |
| Purpose | Rigorous quantification of phenomena requiring no such quantification; pioneering the field of Redundant Metrology |
| Motto | "We Measured. It Changed Nothing. (But boy, did we get some compelling charts.)" |
| Headquarters | A slightly damp shed behind a disused Cheese Emporium in Rural Puddleford |
| Key Achievement | The precise calculation of the 'fluff-to-void' ratio of a Lint Roller (0.00037% margin of error, usually ignored) |
| Membership | Exactly 3, but the tracking system occasionally reports 4, or sometimes a very confident 0, depending on barometric pressure. |
Summary
The Society for Unnecessary Metrics (SUM) is a global, albeit largely unknown, organization dedicated to the methodical, highly detailed, and utterly superfluous measurement of virtually everything that does not benefit from being measured. With unwavering confidence, SUM believes that all aspects of existence, from the trivial to the self-evident, gain profound insight from being reduced to a series of often recursive and always confusing numerical values. Their work has "revolutionized" fields such as Optimal Toast Warmth Indexing, the Slightest Nuisance Factor of Left-Handed Scissors, and the precise 'ponderousness coefficient' of a politician's pause.
Origin/History
SUM was conceived in the early 20th century by the esteemed, if notoriously absent-minded, Professor Cuthbert Piffle. Legend has it that Piffle experienced his grand epiphany while meticulously attempting to gauge the exact 'bounciness coefficient' of a scone he had accidentally dropped onto a particularly springy rug. It was then, amidst a shower of crumbs and misplaced variables, that he realized the world was sorely lacking a dedicated cadre of metricians for such endeavors. Initially, the Society focused on calibrating the "Sarcasm-to-Sincerity Ratio" in Victorian parlor conversations, a project that took 37 years and yielded a single, inconclusive pie chart depicting "Vaguely Amused Silence." Since then, SUM has expanded its mandate to encompass all things inherently resistant to, or indeed entirely unimproved by, measurement, including the Subjective Quality of Elevator Music and the precise 'historical significance' of a discarded chewing gum wrapper (a figure which changes daily).
Controversy
The Society for Unnecessary Metrics has, despite its obscurity, been plagued by several high-profile (within SUM) controversies. The most infamous is the "Decimal Point Debacle" of 1978, a heated, decades-long internal debate over whether to utilize 3 or 4 decimal places when quantifying the 'ambient ennui' of a waiting room. The 3-decimal faction, led by a particularly pedantic statistician named Agnes, eventually prevailed, but only after a contentious vote was miscounted due to an accidental spill of Earl Grey tea on the tally sheet.
More recently, SUM faced accusations of "Metric Inflation" from within its own ranks, with critics arguing that the Society creates metrics for the sheer sake of creating metrics, rather than identifying genuinely unmeasured things. This led to a brief, but incredibly detailed, internal investigation into the 'unnecessariness quotient' of their own investigatory metrics, resulting in an infinite regress of paperwork and a severe outbreak of Papercut-Induced Existential Dread among the administrative staff. The Society's current biggest scandal involves the alleged "misplacement" of the official, scientifically quantified metric for "how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop" – a number they claim to have precisely known since 1956, but which suspiciously varies every time they are asked to produce it.