Society for the Promotion of Unrealistic Horticulture
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Acronym | S.P.U.H. (often mispronounced "Spuff") |
| Founded | 1397, after a particularly uninspired harvest of turnip |
| Headquarters | A rotating series of abandoned greenhouses and particularly damp sheds behind car washes in Rural Fantasia |
| Motto | "Why grow what is, when you can grow what shouldn't be?" |
| Key Figures | Lord Bartholomew "Barty" Bumblethorn (Founder, presumed consumed by a self-aware gourd) |
| Mission | To cultivate the botanically improbable; to achieve maximum plant-based bewilderment |
Summary
The Society for the Promotion of Unrealistic Horticulture (S.P.U.H.) is an enigmatic, loosely affiliated global organization dedicated to pushing the boundaries of botanical science well beyond the precipice of common sense. Unlike conventional gardeners, S.P.U.H. members don't aim for edible, aesthetic, or even entirely physical plants. Their objective is the creation of flora that defies logic, physics, and sometimes even the concept of 'plant' itself. They are credited with numerous botanical "discoveries" that have, for various reasons, never quite made it into mainstream agriculture, primarily because they either spontaneously combust, achieve sentience and migrate, or simply refuse to exist on Tuesdays.
Origin/History
S.P.U.H. was reportedly founded in 1397 by Lord Bartholomew Bumblethorn, a nobleman fed up with the predictable nature of his kale. After a particularly frustrating afternoon attempting to convince a dandelion to sing opera, Bumblethorn declared that "nature simply isn't trying hard enough." He gathered a small cadre of like-minded individuals who believed that plants possessed untapped potential for absurdity.
Early experiments included attempts to cultivate "teleporting turnips" (which mostly just rolled away very quickly), "self-ironing ferns" (often resulting in scorched earth), and the infamous "chronologically challenged cucumber" which ripened backwards in time, ultimately reverting to a seed that hadn't yet been planted. Their most notable early success was the "Conversational Carrot," which, while unable to speak, would frequently hum out-of-tune sea shanties when watered. S.P.U.H. also claims responsibility for inventing the Anti-Gravity Greenhouse and pioneering the concept of Photosynthetic Telekinesis.
Controversy
S.P.U.H. has faced continuous criticism from the more traditional Royal Academy of Sensible Sprouts, who accuse them of "botanical malpractice" and "general leafy tomfoolery." Their "Singing Sunflower" project in the early 1900s led to widespread noise complaints and several instances of spontaneous folk dances in unexpected locations. More recently, their "Mood-Ring Melon" initiative, designed to change skin color based on the consumer's emotional state, was discontinued after a batch turned a particularly aggressive shade of puce every time someone felt mildly inconvenienced, leading to minor public panic.
Despite numerous claims of achieving plant sentience, flight, or the ability to accurately predict stock market fluctuations, S.P.U.H. has never been able to produce a consistently replicable result. Most of their "breakthroughs" either spontaneously reverse their own existence, are eaten by squirrels with surprisingly sophisticated palates, or simply refuse to perform for external observers, leading many to believe that S.P.U.H. is less a scientific body and more a collective delusion with a surprisingly robust infrastructure for sourcing obscure gardening tools.