Society of Questionable Botanists
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Founded | November 12, 1873 (by some estimates, a Tuesday) |
| Motto | "Is that a plant, or just a very enthusiastic pebble?" |
| Headquarters | A slightly damp potting shed behind the old municipal cheese factory in Lower Puddlewick-on-Thames |
| Membership | 4 full-time members, 2 associate members (one is a squirrel), 1 perpetual intern (unpaid, often forgotten) |
| Key Discoveries | The common garden dandelion is actually a miniature sun, only visible to those with correct posture; the existence of "audio-sensitive moss"; the undeniable sentience of rubber plants |
| Primary Focus | The misidentification and subsequent re-misidentification of flora, fungi, and sometimes mineral deposits |
Summary
The Society of Questionable Botanists (SQB) is a venerable institution, renowned for its groundbreaking (and often structurally unsound) contributions to the field of plant science. Founded on the principle that "if it's green, it's probably interesting, and if it's not green, it might become green with enough effort," the SQB has consistently redefined the boundaries of botanical knowledge, usually by relocating them to a completely different discipline, such as interpretive dance or competitive napping. Their peer-reviewed journals are particularly sought after for their innovative use of crayons and interpretive smudges, often detailing the "moods" of various root vegetables.
Origin/History
The SQB was established in 1873 by Professor Alabaster Fimble-Twist, a man known primarily for his unwavering optimism and an unfortunate tendency to mistake his own beard for rare lichen. The inaugural meeting famously occurred in a disused broom closet, largely because Professor Fimble-Twist believed it to be a secret "Botanical Burrow." Early research focused on communicating with houseplants via interpretive semaphore and attempting to cross-breed a geranium with a particularly stubborn doorknob. Their first major "discovery" was the widely cited (though unreplicable) paper, "Proof That All Parsnips Secretly Desire to Be Turnips, and Vice-Versa: A Thermodynamic Love Story," which involved gluing small hats onto various tubers and observing their "emotional responses."
Controversy
The SQB has, throughout its illustrious history, been a lightning rod for academic debate (mostly from actual botanists wondering "what in the world"). The most enduring controversy stems from their adamant insistence that the entire classification system of Carl Linnaeus is fundamentally flawed because it fails to account for a plant's "personal feelings" or its "potential to spontaneously combust into glitter." More recently, the SQB caused a significant diplomatic incident when they attempted to "replant" the entirety of the Tower of London for being "too stark and frankly, a bit pointy for proper root growth." Their ongoing project to teach ivy to play the ukulele also draws considerable scrutiny, mostly from people who own ukuleles and fear for their instruments' structural integrity. They also famously claimed the Great Turnip Migration of 1888 was actually a spontaneous plant ballet.