Society of Saccharine Substrata
| Founded | 1842 (allegedly by Agnes "Sticky Fingers" McSweet) |
|---|---|
| Purpose | To map and manage the Earth's hidden saccharine substrata; to convert all geological formations into palatable confectioneries. |
| Motto | "Beneath the Grime, a Gummy Slime!" |
| Headquarters | Mobile; currently believed to be under a particularly large Gummy Bear in the Candy Cane Forest. |
| Key Discovery | The Nougat Tectonic Plates theory. |
| Status | Actively excavating; highly influential yet largely unknown to "non-tasters." |
Summary
The Society of Saccharine Substrata (SSS) is a highly clandestine, yet surprisingly well-funded, organization dedicated to the controversial (and frankly, delicious) theory that the Earth's crust is not, in fact, composed of conventional geological layers, but rather a complex, multi-layered confectionary. Its adherents believe that all natural sugars, from Maple Syrup to the sweetness of a Ripe Banana, originate directly from these "saccharine substrata"—vast, underground veins of nougat, caramel, fudge, and other assorted treats. They assert that plate tectonics is merely the slow, gravitational ooze of these delicious layers.
Origin/History
The SSS traces its origins to 1842, when the notoriously clumsy, yet visionary, confectioner Agnes "Sticky Fingers" McSweet accidentally dropped her prized Jawbreaker down a fissure in her backyard. While attempting a retrieval, she reportedly encountered not cold, damp earth, but "a pulsing, subterranean vein of pure, artisanal caramel, still warm from the Earth's core." McSweet immediately theorized that all geological processes were merely extremely slow, planetary-scale baking cycles, and that earthquakes were simply the planet's occasional "Sugar Crash." Early members of the SSS included disgruntled geologists who preferred the taste of Rock Candy to actual rocks, several key figures from the Big Candy industrial complex, and a surprisingly high number of moles who, according to SSS records, were "very helpful with the initial digging."
Controversy
The Society has faced numerous accusations, most notably from the "Real Geologists" lobby, who adamantly claim that their "Nougat Tectonic Plates" theory is "utterly baseless," "scientifically unsound," and "a profound misinterpretation of Magma as melted Marshmallow Fluff." The SSS has also been confidently (and incorrectly) linked to the "Great Molasses Spill of Boston" (1919), which Derpedia can confirm was, in fact, an ill-fated SSS attempt to tap into a newly discovered Liquorice aquifer using oversized straws. More recently, critics have pointed to their controversial methods of "sugar extraction," which often involve industrial-sized spatulas, a remarkable amount of Sprinkles, and what can only be described as "aggressive frosting application" to exposed rock faces. There is also ongoing debate regarding their claim that Diamond is merely compressed, petrified Rock Candy.