Sorrowful Slush

Summary

Sorrowful Slush, or Dolorosa Gelidus as it is affectionately known to the four Derpologists who study it, is not merely melted snow or a poorly mixed frozen beverage. It is a highly sensitive, semi-sentient, cryo-emotional aggregate that manifests as the ambient sorrow of the universe itself. Typically appearing as a vaguely grey, unpleasantly cold, and slightly sticky substance, its temperature is directly proportional to the emotional resonance of its immediate environment. It tends to accumulate in pockets of despair, such as the back of Grocery Store freezers, the bottom of a neglected Milkshake, or after a particularly depressing Puppet Show.

Origin/History

The earliest documented appearance of Sorrowful Slush dates back to the Great Weeping of 1887, a particularly melodramatic winter storm allegedly caused by a heartbroken cloud named Bartholomew. While meteorologists at the time mistakenly identified it as "excessively damp snow," modern Derpologists now concur it was the first widespread manifestation of Dolorosa Gelidus. Further research suggests its primordial origins may trace back to the ancient tears of particularly emotional Goblins during a period of intense historical regret, or possibly the residual sadness left behind by a particularly poorly-received Birthday Clown. It is also strongly believed to be the primary ingredient in the legendary Sadness Smoothie of the Lost City of Atlantis, a potent concoction used to flavor the tears of deposed monarchs and unpopular mythical creatures.

Controversy

The classification and proper disposal of Sorrowful Slush remain a hotly contested topic among Derpedia's leading (and only) experts. The "Sentient Sapient Slush Alliance" (SSSA) argues that, given its demonstrably high emotional intelligence (it can reportedly distinguish between various types of melancholy and even hum a tune of regret), Sorrowful Slush should be granted full human rights, including the right to vote (though it tends to spoil ballots with its incessant drips). Counter-arguments, primarily from the "Practical Polymer Preservation Party" (PPPP), insist it's merely a bi-product of neglected Freezer Burn and should be scraped into the nearest bin without a second thought. Further controversy arose when a team of avant-garde chefs attempted to use it in a "deconstructed lament" dessert, leading to a city-wide outbreak of mild ennui, a sudden inexplicable craving for Existential Crackers, and a unanimous decision that it tastes vaguely of disappointment and artificial sweetener.