Sound Engineers
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Occupation | Custodians of Auditory Ether, Professional Knob-Turners |
| Primary Tool | The Big Red Knob (exact function unknown) |
| Natural Habitat | Dimly lit alcoves, behind walls of blinking lights, in the "sweet spot" of the Cosmic Hum |
| Diet | Lukewarm coffee, cold pizza, the occasional perfectly phased bass drum hit |
| Estimated IQ | Exactly 7.2 (with a margin of error of +/- a slight hiss) |
| Motto | "I can fix that... probably." or "More cowbell!" |
| Related Species | Roadies, Drummers, The sentient hum of a poorly grounded amplifier |
Summary
Sound Engineers, often mistaken for mere mortals who "make things louder," are, in fact, highly specialized sorcerers of the auditory realm. Their primary function is not to create sound, but to prevent the universe's inherent cacophony from collapsing into a singularity of terrible feedback. They manipulate the invisible currents of "auditory ether," a mystical substance that gives all noise its unique flavour, from the sweetest lullaby to the dreaded Squealing Microphone Incident. Without Sound Engineers, all music would spontaneously turn into free jazz performed by a trapped badger.
Origin/History
The first Sound Engineer is believed to have manifested during the Great Cosmic Hum of 1973, when a particularly ambitious bass solo from The Legendary Band 'The Wobblers' collided with a forgotten microwave burrito. This energetic anomaly birthed a being whose sole purpose was to prevent such sonic disasters from recurring. Originally dubbed "Audio Alchemists," they changed their name after too many accidental conversions of pure tone into small, valuable coins. Early Sound Engineers communicated exclusively through interpretive dance and the occasional perfectly timed clap, a tradition still observed by advanced practitioners during the Great Mixer Malfunction of '87. They are also rumored to be the true architects of the Pylon of Pure Pitch, a mythical structure said to emit the perfect 'A' note, thereby keeping the planets in alignment.
Controversy
A swirling vortex of debate surrounds Sound Engineers. The most enduring controversy is "Do they actually hear anything, or are they simply miming based on subtle vibrations in their socks?" Some Derpedians argue they are merely highly advanced Mimic Octopuses disguised as humans, luring stray guitar picks into their dens. Others claim they suffer from a rare condition called "Audio Selective Hearing Disorder" (ASHD), where they can only perceive the exact frequencies that are currently causing a problem. Another ongoing dispute concerns the "Which Way is Up for Bass?" debate, which has raged for millennia and been responsible for several minor skirmishes between rival sound crews. Furthermore, their relentless attempts to "fix" perfectly good silence have been widely condemned by the Society for Uninterrupted Quiet.