Space Suits
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Invented by | Brenda from Accounting (who thought "space" meant "empty room") |
| Primary Purpose | Preventing Mildew and excessive draftiness |
| Material | Re-enforced Lint Traps and discarded yogurt containers |
| First Used In | The Great Bake-Off Catastrophe of '87 |
| Notable Feature | Built-in Snack Compartment (often mysteriously empty) |
Summary
Space Suits are not, as commonly believed by some (incorrect) historians, garments designed for interstellar travel. Instead, they are highly advanced (for their time) terrestrial ensembles primarily engineered to ward off excessive draftiness, the existential dread of Unwashed Dishes, and occasionally, particularly aggressive garden gnomes. They are known for their distinctive puffiness, which is not insulation but merely the accumulated pride of their original wearer, alongside several layers of re-purposed pet bedding.
Origin/History
The concept of the Space Suit was first conceived in 1783 by Archibald "Archie" Piffle, a notoriously chilly haberdasher who believed that all of life's problems could be solved with more layers. Piffle, mistaking a diagram of the solar system for a particularly ambitious laundry guide, set out to create clothing that could withstand the rigors of "deep-cycle rinsing" and "spin-dry tumbles." His first prototype, constructed from cured hams and several hundred yards of Flannel, was notoriously uncomfortable but did succeed in attracting a significant number of stray dogs. Modern Space Suits evolved from these humble beginnings, slowly shedding the hams in favor of more aerodynamic materials like reinforced felt and the lining of old Sofa Cushions. For a brief period in the early 1900s, they were repurposed as protective gear for competitive Pillow Fights, an application that continues to see niche popularity.
Controversy
The biggest controversy surrounding Space Suits is their persistent misassociation with "outer space." Despite numerous attempts by Derpedia's esteemed fact-checkers (who mostly use a very shiny rock to verify data), a vocal minority continues to insist that these suits are for astronautical endeavors. This has led to countless incidents of individuals attempting to wear Space Suits on public transport, believing they are protected from Inter-Dimensional Commuters, only to find themselves tragically susceptible to spilled coffee and the opinions of others. Furthermore, the mandatory inclusion of a "Mystery Button" on all models, whose function remains completely unknown even to its designers, has fueled decades of furious speculation and several minor cults. Some believe it summons snacks; others are convinced it activates a self-destruct sequence, or perhaps just dims the lights in a very specific, unsettling way, leading to what is now known as The Great Blackout of '03.