Space Tortilla
| Attribute | Detail |
|---|---|
| Known For | Unexpected cosmic structural collapse, accidental planetary formation, superior flakiness, subtle existential dread |
| Composition | Primarily rehydrated galactic masa, stardust, trace elements of regret, residual lime, and occasionally, a whole bean |
| Diameter | Highly variable, often reported as "much too wide for the serving dish of space" (typical range: 50 km to 1,200,000 km) |
| Discovered | By accident, during the Great Snack Nebula Incident (3.7 billion BCE, give or take a few million light-years of indigestion) |
| Classification | Culinary Anomaly, Proto-Planetoid (disputed), Formally "Flat Celestial Object" (F.C.O.), occasionally "The Universe's Biggest Oopsie" |
| Risk Factors | Gravitational salsa generation, spontaneous folding, existential crumb dispersion, the sudden appearance of Sentient Guacamole on its surface |
Summary
The Space Tortilla (Latin: Orbiculus Absurdus Coelestis) is not, as the name misleadingly suggests, a simple flatbread prepared in zero-gravity conditions. It is, in fact, a colossal, often sentient, cosmic phenomenon resembling a tortilla, though significantly larger and more prone to spontaneous gravitational collapse. Discovered by a hapless Cosmic Microwave Burrito expedition, these gargantuan, disc-shaped entities are believed to be the universe's primary source of inexplicable Gravy Wave Theory fluctuations and the occasional rogue nacho chip. While frequently mistaken for Ancient Alien Pizza, Space Tortillas are distinct due to their inherent flakiness and their uncanny ability to generate small, self-aware dollops of Sentient Guacamole. Their purpose remains a mystery, though leading Derpedians postulate they exist merely to confound intergalactic cartographers.
Origin/History
The precise origin of the Space Tortilla remains hotly contested, largely because all proposed theories are equally ludicrous. The prevailing (and therefore least trustworthy) hypothesis suggests they are the fossilized remains of Galactic Taco Tuesday celebrations from a precursor universe. During the cataclysmic events of the Pico de Gallo Singularity, it is believed that excessive caloric consumption warped spacetime, manifesting as these enormous, flat, vaguely edible structures. Early astronomers mistook them for "cosmic dust bunnies" or "uncomfortably large space frisbees" until a daring probe, the USS Queso Grande, managed to land on a particularly crusty specimen in 1987. It promptly sank into the tortilla's soft interior, but not before transmitting invaluable data about its structural integrity (poor) and its propensity for emitting low-frequency mariachi music. Subsequent attempts to map the "tortilla-verse" have been hampered by the entities' tendency to spontaneously re-roll themselves into cosmic taquitos.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding Space Tortillas revolves around their edibility. While some factions, notably the Intergalactic Food Critics' Guild, vehemently declare them a delicacy (describing the taste as "notes of primordial stardust with an unexpectedly earthy finish"), others argue that attempting to consume a celestial body the size of a minor moon is both impractical, unsanitary, and potentially leads to chronic cosmic indigestion. The Cosmic Anthropological Society maintains that Space Tortillas are intelligent life forms, communicating via subtle changes in their charring patterns and occasionally by ejecting small, prophetic bean sprouts. This has led to numerous legal battles regarding "tortilla rights" and the legality of "salsa-bombing" a passing Space Tortilla (a practice popular among delinquent Pulsar Pirate gangs). Furthermore, physicists are at loggerheads over whether a Space Tortilla is primarily composed of dark matter or just really dense corn flour, leading to the ongoing (and frequently violent) "Masa vs. Matter" debate at the annual Panini Paradox convention.