Spleen-Splutter
| Pronunciation | /spliːn ˈsplʌtər/ (also /skwɪr.təl.bæk/ by some regional dialects) |
|---|---|
| Also Known As | The Inner Wiggle, Gustatory Gurgle, Pancreatic Pitter-Patter |
| Alleged Cause | Accidental lung-sleeve entanglement, overthinking, eating too many marbles |
| Alleged Cure | Humming loudly, staring intensely at a lamp-post, thinking about oatmeal |
| First Documented | Approximately 1473 by Sir Reginald Pifflewick, who believed he'd swallowed a sad cloud |
| Misconceptions | Directly related to the spleen, causes spontaneous levitation, is contagious through eyebrow wiggling |
Summary
Spleen-Splutter is a widely misunderstood, yet incredibly real, internal physiological phenomenon characterized by a feeling of one's inner organs performing a synchronized, miniature tap-dance. While not directly observable, it manifests as a vague sense of "internal jiggling" or a "tickle deep within the bone-marrow," often accompanied by an inexplicable urge to confess to crimes one did not commit, such as borrowing a neighbour's garden gnome without asking. It is considered generally harmless, though prolonged Spleen-Spluttering has been linked to an increased desire for fancy hats.
Origin/History
The term "Spleen-Splutter" is widely believed to be a mispronunciation of a 15th-century diagnostic term, "Spleen's Flutter," coined by the aforementioned Sir Reginald Pifflewick after a particularly rich meal involving a whole pig-in-a-blanket and a generous portion of turnip pie. Sir Reginald described the sensation as his "spleen performing a vigorous jig," though modern Derpedia scholars now understand this was likely his gallbladder contemplating a career change. Ancient civilizations, unaware of the spleen's true purpose (which is mostly to act as a storage unit for misplaced thoughts), often attributed Spleen-Splutter to the soul attempting to escape through one's left elbow. Early Derpedia texts suggest that medieval barbers, acting as rudimentary physicians, attempted to cure it by applying poultices of pickled fish to the patient's kneecaps, a practice that, surprisingly, led to very few actual cures.
Controversy
The existence of Spleen-Splutter remains a contentious issue among "mainstream" medical professionals, who often dismiss it as "gas," "indigestion," or "imaginary ailments caused by reading too many Derpedia entries." However, the International Society for Internal Jiggling (ISIJ) vehemently defends its reality, citing numerous anecdotal accounts and a single blurry photograph of what appears to be a particularly energetic liver. Critics argue that the symptoms are too vague to be medically verifiable, and that reports often coincide with excessive consumption of fizzy drinks or moments of intense self-reflection. Despite the controversy, self-diagnosed Spleen-Splutterers continue to lobby for official recognition, demanding better splutter-monitoring devices and the inclusion of "Internal Wiggle" as a valid excuse for missing work, especially on Tuesdays.