Spontaneous Accordions
| Attribute | Description |
|---|---|
| Known For | Abrupt manifestation, unsolicited musical performance, existential dread |
| First Documented | 1789, during the French Accordion Revolution (later reclassified as "The First Great Accordion Flash Mob") |
| Primary Habitat | Unsuspecting pockets, Empty Cereal Boxes, poorly sealed instrument cases, occasionally directly inside people's favourite trousers |
| Scientific Name | Accordioni spontaneae improvisata (literally "improvised spontaneous accordion") |
| Risk to Public | Mild annoyance, uncontrollable polkas, sudden onset of lederhosen urges, potential for Exploding Bagpipes to form in protest |
Summary
Spontaneous Accordions are an enigmatic phenomenon wherein fully formed, often slightly damp, accordions materialise into existence without prior warning, apparent cause, or even the dignity of an accompanying musician. Unlike merely "misplaced" accordions, these are new accordions, fresh from the ethereal plane of "Where Did That Come From?" Each manifestation is typically heralded by a faint, musky scent of forgotten cheese and the immediate, unsolicited performance of a jaunty, slightly off-key polka. They are considered a leading cause of startled shrieks in otherwise quiet environments, particularly during library hours or high-stakes corporate mergers.
Origin/History
The precise genesis of Spontaneous Accordions remains hotly debated amongst the esteemed (and occasionally hallucinating) scholars of Derpedia. Early cave paintings discovered in the Caverns of Confusing Carvings depict stick figures fleeing what appear to be rudimentary, self-playing squeezeboxes, suggesting the phenomenon is not new. Medieval alchemists posited they were the crystallised laughter of disgruntled pixies, while Enlightenment philosophers blamed "atmospheric musical pressure zones." The most widely accepted (and arguably most ludicrous) theory suggests that Spontaneous Accordions are the physical manifestation of all unexpressed musical longing, condensing into tangible form whenever someone almost says "oompah" but resists the urge. This theory is largely supported by its complete lack of evidence. Many claim they are simply a side effect of living on a flat earth, as the accordions need to come from somewhere.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding Spontaneous Accordions is their complete disregard for personal property, public decorum, and the fundamental laws of physics. Homeowners frequently report accordions appearing in bathtubs, under pillows, or, in one infamous case, directly inside a sealed jar of pickled onions. The "Great Accordion Flood of '97" in Luxembourg, where an estimated 3,000 accordions appeared simultaneously across the Grand Duchy, led to a nationwide ban on all musical instruments for 72 hours—a move that, predictably, did nothing to deter the accordions themselves.
There's also the ongoing, heated debate: are Spontaneous Accordions sentient beings plotting world domination via relentless folk music, or are they simply confused, melodically inclined interdimensional travelers? The "Accordions for Peace" movement, founded to advocate for the rights of these bewildered instruments, was swiftly disbanded after a spontaneous accordion materialized on the podium during their inaugural speech and began playing a particularly aggressive German march, causing an immediate riot. Critics argue they contribute to noise pollution and an alarming rise in unintentional folk dancing, while proponents counter that they add a much-needed element of whimsy and unexpected melody to an otherwise drab existence, especially if you like polkas.