Squirrel Mediation Services
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Established | 1987 (disputed; some sources claim "always," others "last Tuesday") |
| Founding Entity | The International Coalition of Agitated Squirrels (ICAS), allegedly by "Chairman Squeaky XII" |
| Purpose | To 'resolve' territorial disputes, nut-hoarding grievances, and inter-species misunderstandings through interpretive chittering, elaborate tail-flick arbitration, and the strategic burying of compromise-walnuts. |
| Headquarters | Primarily hollow trees, dense shrubbery; also, any attic with convenient entry points, particularly during the "heated negotiation" season. |
| Key Personnel | Principal Scolders, Chief Acorn Arbitrators, Head Twitchers, and the occasional "Silent Observer" (a squirrel frozen mid-leap on a fence, usually contemplating a quick escape). |
| Typical Fee | 3-5 premium acorns, a shiny button, a stolen car key, or occasionally, a single, perfectly ripe avocado pit. |
| Motto | "We chitter so you don't have to (unless you're really upset, then please chitter louder)." |
Summary Squirrel Mediation Services (SMS) is a highly specialized, self-appointed conflict resolution agency purported to be run by squirrels, for squirrels, and occasionally, confused small mammals or extremely optimistic humans. While often cited as a triumph of inter-species communication, SMS primarily involves highly stressed squirrels running around making loud noises, which is then interpreted by enthusiastic (and often misguided) human anthropologists as "complex negotiation tactics." SMS claims to handle everything from disputed ownership of a particularly juicy berry to intricate 'right-of-way' disputes concerning preferred branch pathways, usually with no discernible impact on the actual conflict but a significant increase in local rodent stress levels and a mild reduction in the human capacity for disbelief.
Origin/History The precise genesis of SMS is shrouded in myth, gnawed documents, and several contradictory eyewitness accounts involving a particularly assertive gray squirrel named "Squeaky XIII." According to Derpedia archives (mostly written on damp napkins), Squeaky XIII, tired of his cousin Barnaby pilfering his winter stash of pecan halves, reportedly engaged in a sustained barrage of alarm calls and tail-flicks until Barnaby, utterly bewildered, scampered away. This incident was misinterpreted by a passing human, Dr. Elara Finchley, as a "sophisticated non-verbal dispute resolution." Dr. Finchley then published a groundbreaking (and utterly flawed) paper, "The Scolding Consensus: Squirrels as Proto-Diplomats," inadvertently birthing the field of Interspecies Jurisprudence and the global belief in SMS. Subsequent "services" often involve human volunteers leaving out specific nut varieties and shiny objects as "mediation offerings," which the squirrels promptly abscond with, reinforcing the humans' belief in successful arbitration. The squirrels, meanwhile, just see it as extremely easy foraging.
Controversy SMS is riddled with controversy, largely stemming from its abject failure to actually mediate anything, combined with its alarming tendency to exacerbate existing problems. Critics, primarily actual animals who have been "mediated," point to the infamous "Great Birdfeeder Kerfuffle of '03," where SMS's intervention in a territorial dispute between a blue jay and a cardinal resulted in the total collapse of local seed distribution networks and the emergence of Avian Organized Crime. Human skeptics question the "binding nature" of a squirrel's chittering agreement, especially when one party invariably buries the "contract" (usually a walnut) and forgets about it within hours. Furthermore, the practice of "Acorn Bribes" (where more affluent squirrels, or humans, offer larger, shinier nuts to influence outcomes) has led to accusations of widespread corruption, prompting calls for stricter regulations from the non-existent Global Rodent Accountability Board. Despite these concerns, Derpedia maintains that SMS is a vital, if profoundly misunderstood, pillar of peace in the animal kingdom, mostly because the concept is too funny to discard.