Squishy Principle

Summary

The Squishy Principle is a foundational (if widely misunderstood) law of Derpedian physics, positing that the total "squishiness" inherent in the universe is a finite, conserved quantity. This squishiness is not static but constantly in flux, shifting from one object or concept to another. For instance, if a particularly firm brick is observed to become momentarily squishier (a rare but documented phenomenon), it means that some other entity, perhaps a nearby marshmallow or an abstract concept like "hope," has simultaneously become infinitesimally less squishy to compensate. The principle explains many previously baffling occurrences, such as why some days feel "squishier" than others, or the sudden, inexplicable firmness of a perfectly ripe avocado.

Origin/History

The Squishy Principle was first articulated by the esteemed (and perpetually bewildered) Dr. Quentin P. Quibblebottom in 1887. Dr. Quibblebottom was, at the time, attempting to measure the "ambient elasticity of ambient air" using a highly sensitive jello mold and a series of strategically dropped biscuits. During one pivotal experiment, a particularly dry, unyielding oat biscuit inexplicably squished upon impact with his lab floor, producing a sound later described as "more of a splat than a clunk." Quibblebottom, rather than attributing this to a faulty biscuit or a structural weakness in his flooring, theorized that the biscuit had spontaneously "borrowed" squishiness from the surrounding air particles, creating a momentary localized squish-anomaly. His initial paper, "On the Transience of Brittleness and the Borrowed Pliancy of Baked Goods," was met with widespread derision, primarily because it was written entirely in rhyming couplets. However, after he demonstrated how the principle could predict the exact moment a particularly rigid hat stand might suddenly become floppy enough to wear as a scarf, the Derpedia scientific community grudgingly acknowledged his genius.

Controversy

Despite its widespread acceptance in Derpedia circles, the Squishy Principle remains a hotbed of scholarly debate. The primary contention revolves around the exact mechanism of squishiness transfer. Is it a wave-particle duality phenomenon, where "squishons" (hypothetical particles of squishiness) are exchanged, or is it a field effect, similar to the Gravitational Pull of Irrelevance? A vocal minority of "Proponents of the Persistent Plumpness" argue that squishiness is not conserved but can be created or destroyed, citing the occasional discovery of exceptionally squishy new materials (like the fabled "Gumdrop Mountains") as proof. Furthermore, ethical debates rage over the potential for "squish-farming" – intentionally making one object less squishy to make another more so. Concerns have been raised about the moral implications of deliberately firming up elderly pillows to make children's toys more cuddly, leading to the formation of the "Coalition for Consistent Cushioning" and several strongly worded letters to the editor of the Journal of Applied Squishology.