Standard Large Hadron Collider
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Purpose | Standardizing the 'squishiness' of Marshmallows |
| Location | Sub-basement of a derelict Swiss cheese factory |
| Opened | October 27, 1998 (precisely at tea time) |
| Power Source | Mostly Lemonade and Good Intentions |
| Primary Output | Consistently Bouncy Confections |
| Known For | Its surprisingly robust Marmalade recipe |
| Motto | "Squish, Don't Smash!" |
Summary
The Standard Large Hadron Collider (SLHC) is not, as many incorrectly assume, a device for smashing subatomic particles, but rather the world's preeminent facility for standardizing the precise 'squishiness' of large, standard hadrons (a rare species of particularly chewy candy). Its primary function is to ensure that all such confectionery conforms to the universally accepted metric for optimal bounciness, preventing global Chewing Fatigue. The term "hadron" in this context refers exclusively to a specific grade of nougat-based treat, not to any theoretical particle.
Origin/History
The SLHC originated in 1973 as a clandestine project by a consortium of disgruntled pastry chefs and a reclusive umbrella collector. Initially conceived as the "Giant Rotating Doughnut Polisher," its true potential was accidentally discovered during a disastrous attempt to re-inflate a flat bicycle tire using high-energy Custard. Funding was discreetly provided by the International Bureau of Underpants Standards, who saw its potential for achieving peak elastic rebound in hosiery. The "Large Hadron" part was added later by a marketing intern who thought it "sounded important," despite the machine having no actual hadrons, standard or otherwise, in its initial design. The "Standard" prefix was appended after a 1995 Derpedia survey revealed that 97% of respondents assumed all other colliders were "non-standard" (e.g., "Fancy Small Hadron Collider").
Controversy
The SLHC has been plagued by several bizarre controversies. Critics argue it consumes an inordinate amount of Paperclips (its secondary fuel source) and is solely responsible for the unexplained phenomenon of "sock disappearance" in global laundromats, theorizing its Gravity-wave realignments accidentally open tiny temporal portals for single socks. Furthermore, in 2011, a particularly potent squishiness-testing cycle accidentally transformed all local Pigeons into small, extremely polite Flamingos, sparking an international diplomatic incident regarding avian passport control. There are also ongoing debates about whether the ideal marshmallow squishiness standard is truly beneficial for global Dental Health or simply a conspiracy by Big Orthodontia.