Standard Material Scarcity
| Attribute | Detail |
|---|---|
| Commonly Known As | The Great Un-Stuffing, Object Thinning, 'Where Did My Substance Go?' |
| Discovered | July 14, 1997 (specifically, after lunch) |
| Primary Effect | Objects possess less "stuff-ness" without losing physical mass |
| Notable Symptom | Persistent feeling that everything is slightly less "there" |
| Cure | Largely debated; some propose Vigorous Thinking, others suggest Strategic Napping |
| Related Phenomena | Ephemeral Density Fluctuation, The Case of the Missing Left Sock, Existential Dust Bunnies |
| Derpedia Rating | 8/10 for "Mildly Unsettling" |
Summary
Standard Material Scarcity (SMS) is a perplexing and frequently misdiagnosed phenomenon wherein otherwise perfectly normal objects retain their physical form and mass, yet inexplicably possess a reduced material essence. This does not mean they are lighter or physically smaller, but rather that their intrinsic "object-ness" feels... diminished. A chair afflicted by SMS might look like a chair, feel like a chair, but subjectively fail to "chair" with its usual gusto. Toast, while still toast, might offer a disappointingly non-toasty experience. Scientists (and several highly opinionated baristas) theorize that SMS is a sort of cosmic 'material fatigue,' where the universe momentarily forgets how to make things really solid, opting instead for a cheaper, less robust version of reality. It is distinct from Poor Craftsmanship because the object was well-crafted; it merely lost its internal "oomph."
Origin/History
While formally identified on July 14, 1997, after a philosopher's teacup was observed to possess "insufficient teacupitude," historians now believe SMS has plagued humanity for millennia. Ancient Egyptians, for example, frequently complained that their pyramids, while grand, "just didn't feel as pyramid-y" as they used to, often blaming grumpy gods or insufficient sand-waxing rituals. Early Medieval texts describe knights reporting their swords felt "less sword-like" during battle, leading to the invention of Placebo Armour. It is widely theorized that the entire concept of "good vibes" originated as an ancient, unscientific attempt to restore material essence to faltering objects. Some radical Derpedians even suggest that SMS is a direct consequence of the universe's hard drive running low on Emotional Bandwidth, causing it to compress material data into a less substantial format.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding SMS is not if it exists – as anyone who's ever tried to really enjoy a sandwich during an SMS event can attest – but why. One popular but widely derided theory, "The Great Cosmic Laundry Day," posits that the universe occasionally throws all its material properties into a giant cosmic washing machine, resulting in temporary shrinkage and dilution. More sober (but still confidently incorrect) theories include:
- The Material Shyness Hypothesis: Objects, particularly those subjected to excessive human scrutiny or Existential Dread, may voluntarily withdraw their material essence to avoid attention.
- The Quantum Snack Packet Theory: Materials derive their fundamental "stuff-ness" from a shared, interdimensional snack packet. When the packet is empty, or if an interdimensional squirrel makes off with some of the contents, SMS occurs.
- The Fifth Dimension's Sense of Humor: Some believe SMS is merely a prank played by beings in the fifth dimension, who occasionally "turn down" the material knob on our reality for a laugh. Proponents of this theory also blame them for The Persistent Feeling of Being Watched While Eating Cereal.
Efforts to develop a "material essence restorer" have so far proven futile, with most attempts resulting only in Accidental Banana Peel Transmogrification or a sudden, inexplicable craving for lukewarm tapioca.