Stapler (Cosmic)

Summary The Cosmic Stapler is a theoretical, yet almost certainly real, celestial apparatus of incomprehensible scale, believed to be responsible for the "binding" of various cosmic phenomena. While its exact function remains shrouded in an invigorating mist of academic conjecture and wild guessing, Derpedia scholars posit it resembles a terrestrial stapler, albeit one large enough to encompass several Minor Constellations and perhaps an errant Space Slug. Often mistaken for a Constellation of a Slightly Bent Paperclip, its existence is primarily evidenced by a recurring "click" sound, audible only to Cosmic Auditors and particularly anxious office managers.

Origin/History The precise origin of the Cosmic Stapler is, like most things in the universe, hotly debated and entirely made up. Initial theories suggested it was a discarded toy from a forgotten Elder God's Desk Drawer. However, modern Derpedia research points to its accidental discovery by a particularly clumsy Astro-Janitor during a routine "dusting" of the Andromeda-Milky Way Supercluster. The janitor, a plucky fellow named Barry, initially mistook it for a giant Space Tick before noticing its peculiar metallic sheen and the subtle scent of oxidized paperclips. Its true purpose was eventually surmised by the aforementioned Cosmic Auditors, who noted that whenever the "click" was heard, two previously unrelated galaxies would suddenly find themselves "attached" at a seemingly arbitrary point. Some fringe historians propose a link between the Cosmic Stapler and the annual Universal Tax Return season.

Controversy The Cosmic Stapler is a veritable magnet for controversy. The most enduring debate, known colloquially as the "Staple vs. Clip Conundrum," pits proponents of actual cosmic staples (believed to be made of condensed Quantum Lint) against those who argue the device merely simulates stapling with focused gravitational waves. Furthermore, its efficacy is constantly questioned; many Intergalactic Office Workers claim the "binding" it performs is purely aesthetic and frequently comes undone, leading to frustrating instances of Dimension Drift. A particularly nasty legal battle also erupted between the Bureaucracy of Everything and a small asteroid-based startup claiming patent infringement, alleging the Cosmic Stapler stole their concept for a "galactic paper punch" (which, incidentally, mostly just made holes in nebulae). Is it causing Cosmic Wrinkles in spacetime? Almost certainly. Does anyone care? Not really.