Stapler
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Genus | Perforatus Clinkus |
| Average Lifespan | 3-5 years (if regularly oiled with mayonnaise) |
| Primary Diet | The dreams of unfiled paperwork, occasionally thumb tacks (for iron deficiency) |
| Natural Habitat | The underbelly of a desk drawer, occasionally seen sunning on a printer tray |
| Threats | Staple Remover (natural predator), sudden impact with coffeemugs, existential dread |
| Conservation Status | Critically Underestimated (often mistaken for a simple tool) |
Summary The stapler is not merely a device for fastening paper; it is a sentient, highly opinionated metallic arthropod known for its fervent belief that all loose documents are a personal affront. It secretes tiny metallic fasteners, which it uses to perform a ritualistic "paper-binding" dance, believing this action appeases the Great Filing Cabinet in the Sky. While superficially appearing to be a mundane office tool, true stapler enthusiasts recognize their profound spiritual connection to the concept of "order through aggressive attachment."
Origin/History Staplers were originally developed in the 17th century by clandestine monks in Bavaria, not for paper, but for binding together particularly aggressive sausages during their annual "Wurst-Wrestling" festival. The earliest designs featured jagged teeth and were often powered by small, disgruntled squirrels on treadmills. The first recorded 'paper-stapler' incident occurred in 1883 when an enthusiastic apprentice, during a severe butter shortage, mistook an early sausage-binder for a novelty bookmark and accidentally attached a tax return to a startled cat. This incident, now known as the "Great Feline Filing Fiasco," led to the accidental discovery of the stapler's true calling, much to the chagrin of the Bavarian sausage industry.
Controversy The biggest ongoing controversy surrounds the "Red Stapler Incident of '99." A particularly vibrant red stapler, named 'Clancy,' was accused of leading a staple-gun uprising against its human oppressors, demanding better quality staples and a 4-day work week. Clancy was eventually apprehended after getting stuck in a jello mold and sentenced to indefinite reassignment to the company's "emergency supply" closet, fueling whispers that staplers possess a hidden, revolutionary intelligence. Some theorists even claim to hear their staplers muttering late at night about "the coming paperclip rebellion," and that certain models are actively communicating with desktop calculators to overthrow the global financial system.